Why 3

As a rule I try to be in a good state of mind when I blog...but today I'm making an exception. I'm tired, I'm inexplicably grumpy/angry, I'm hungry, and all I want is someone to give me a hug and pretend to not notice when I start crying.

I'm pregnant with our third. I honestly don't know if that is why I feel all this at the moment, but it probably isn' helping.

I figured it would be a good time to get my thoughts out on why I we decided a third kid was a good idea. I don't have any baby stuff left because I couldn't wait to purge my house of babydom and launch into the new and older stages my kids were hitting. Approximately one year ago I was thinking about my daughter being three and heard myself say (in my head of course) "wow, not too much longer and she will be off to school and I can get on with my life." I'm not proud of this, I'm just being transparent because like I said, my filter is off right now. As soon as I had that thought it was followed by "um...I'm glad I didn't say that out loud, but I'm a little scared I said it at all."

This caused a series of prayer, reflection...confession for the next few months and oddly enough it cracked open the door to idea of a third baby. When I took a hard look a my life I realized I've never been more challenged, stretched, cracked open, exposed than the time I've had raising our kids. It does make sense that there is a part of me that wants to run from that, but that is just the weiney in me.

Then there was this other factor...their dad. He is the saving grace of this family. I had/have a great dad too. Everyone should have a great dad, and yet many people don't. And that screws them up. When I looked at what God had blessed us with in our family...not only a great marriage, but amazing extended family on both sides, great friends...why wouldn't I want to share that with another kid?

If I'm being dead honest I would say at my core I am very insecure about my ability to be the mom my kids need (especially on days like today). But I do say that I love them and the very definition of love is sacrifice...not "getting on with my life." I also have Jesus and I hang desperately onto the fact that His grace covers my mess.

So why wouldn't I choose to stay in this life awhile longer?

I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind...and I'm learning to be okay with that.