thursday morning thoughts

I just finished meeting with a client who just lost her husband to cancer 2 months ago. He died shortly after being diagnosed. she is understandably still reeling from the shock. i mentioned that my mother-in-law had lost her husband to cancer as well. she asked how long ago. my answer was 4 years.

4 years? is that really true?

she said she just wants to know that someday she will feel again. she wants to know that there will be a day that she can feel happy without it being followed by sadness. i remember having those same conversations with my mother-in-law.

it is surreal to me to think back on my memories during that time. i have distinct pictures of raw grief and devastation, and yet...here we are. changed for sure...but still going.

we are a strange people. i'm glad God has given us the ability to cope, adapt, heal. i'm glad that God has granted us hope in the midst of devastation. i'm glad that we can continue on even with painful loss.

but it is weird.

i googled myself

i've never thought to google myself before. it was...interesting. this blog showed up, but the thing i found odd was that my Ooh la la (crepe shop i managed years ago) posts were what came up in the search.

so either "ooh la la" is a common phrase that people type (and by people i mean dirty people) or the crepe shop was more popular than i thought...so much so that it is still being googled years later.

unfortunately...i think my google identity is forever associated with the words "Ooh la la."

i think facebook has replaced my blog

it is unfortunate. i keep writing facebook updates and then deleting them because they are either too long or too public. so really i'm updating neither.

i feel like the blog is a kinder, slower, more thoughtful place and facebook is life on uppers.

not that i know what uppers are like...i picture it like being on a lot of caffeine, but it is only an assumption.

i hate being on too much caffeine. it hurts my belly and makes me jittery.

good grief

grief is a little jerk. it sneaks up on you and demands to be heard. if i ignore it, it continues to remain under the surface sucking the life out of me until it has been acknowledged.

i miss susan. recently it has been hurting...not debilitating, just a little painful. thats how it goes with grieving-and it is running its wonderful cycle on me.

i'm not a big advocate for hiding from the inevitable, but i want to. i know it is going to sting to allow myself to miss her, to face once again that she is not here.

so there it is. i thought writing about this would make me feel better.

so grief, i will allow you to get out and exercise your sassy self soon enough. just be patient. i have wait until the kids take their nap, the laundry is done, the house is clean, and every magazine and every book in the house is read.

day off

lazy wednesday morning.

dan in his pj's drinking coffee and tooling around with a new song on the piano.

parker toddling around in her pink footed jammies, picking up toys, putting them down, wandering over to dan to help on the piano.

jaden running around finding dirty dishes to put in the sink so he can earn some quarters.

me, drinking coffee and taking it all in.

who knew such simplicity could be so full?

Parker

i haven't written much about parker on this here blog of mine. i don't mean to ignore her, jaden just happens to talk so he is easier to quote.

in case you were wondering, i like her. alot. we all do. she crawls, she pulls herself up, she is into putting everything hazardous into her mouth.

she also smiles so big you think her face is going to split.

the entire parker package has captivated us all.

its a strange/beautiful thing when you feel your heart growing to fit in another love.

lucy? why lucy?!

i hope i'm not offending anyone with this post or opinion...but i have never been a fan of the show, 7th heaven.

well, my son is now a convert to this show. it was a channel surfing error, which i regret, but now he is hooked. i guess the safe dialouge and trite interactions are pretty good for a 4 year old, and i have to say...aside from the occational "shut-up" and sassy attitude, i don't have to explain to jaden that "even though they talk like this on TV, it is not okay for us."

that brings me to yesterday. i was folding laundry and watching the show with jaden and i was paying particular attention to lucy. this daughter/sister character has always annoyed the stink out of me. and yesterday was no exception. i was watching her wail about something ridiculous and i had a couple of thoughts.

1. i can't believe they have her grow up to marry a hot guy, have a baby and become a pastor.
2. i can't believe and am slightly embarrased that i know that.

then the worst happened. lucy showed up in my dream last night. it wasn't a big deal-she was just talking to her dad about how much she loved the Bible and studying it, and i was just passivly watching the coversation.

the point is, i dreamt about her.

and now i'm questioning why i told all of you.

i don't even know who i am anymore.