I really dislike washing dishes, and one of the things I dislike the most is how easy it actually is and how little time it takes. I have a dishwasher so I only have to hand wash a couple of things, but those things mock me daily. They sit, unwashed in an unkempt stack by my sink laughing at my helplessness to make the kitchen look clean without dealing with them. I avoid it for days, and then once I finally surrender, and start the process only to be done in 5 minutes...I again am frustrated with how long it took me to deal with it. Hmm, just saw a parallel drawn for my spiritual life.
Anyways, tonight during my dishwashing my mind wandered to elementary school and all the drama that was my 2nd-5th grade years. I don't know what it was about my class, but we ladies were desperate housewives caught in itty-bitty bodies. We had lies, gossip, boyfriend swapping, best friend stealing, torture (not really) cruel jokes...you get the idea. If we had been born at a different time they would probably have named a reality show after us, "The cruel elementary lives of Warsaw Christian School." Oh yeah, we were christians alright, downright Medieval Crusade style.
I remember I used to blame one girl in particular. Her name was Jahna and I worshiped her. She was beautiful, wealthy and popular. I always wanted to get in with her. I would on occasion...but then I would get traded for another best friend. I believed that if she were to leave the school I would finally be happy. Peace was just waiting for this girl to get out of the way. Once she came to school and told all of us that she cried all night the night before and begged her mom to homeschool her, and I thought, "Yes, that is a good idea. You should totally get homeschooled. And then wait, then maybe I could get homeschooled and our moms could teach us together and we will live completely happy as bffs." Neither of us ended up getting homeschooled although our teachers were probably rooting for that plan behind the scenes.
In 6th grade things changed. I changed. I got sick and I got fat, really fat. It all happened over the summer so I showed up in fall like "Hey remember the 75lb girl from 5th grade? She just gained 45 lbs of water weight over the summer and almost died...how was your summer?" And a strange thing happened, the drama went away. I do have a couple of memories of kids being cruel, but that was associated with my weight and not with the girly drama. Until tonight I have always just figured the drama went away because I was no longer a threat. I wasn't pretty so there were no boyfriends to fight over. Mystery solved.
But tonight it hit me...I think the drama went away because I was the drama. The only thing that changed in 6th grade was me. I went from being a self-centered insecure little princess snot person who gossiped and manipulated to get more popular, to a fat, God fearing girl.
Oh Jahna, I am so sorry. You did not deserve the blame I threw on you. I just wanted to be anyone other than myself. What a terrible way to live. Praise God he picked up this confused 5th grader, took away everything that she thought made her important, and hit the reset button.
1 comment:
Suzanne, once again, you've written an inspiring column. I remember when we were walking across campus at Cedarville and your mom told me all about your illness when you were a child and what an inspiration your faith was then. You're a beautiful example of how God can use our trials to make us more like Him. I love you.
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