In the pursuit of clarification

I'm getting closer to the one year anniversary of my Stay at Home Mom life.

When I worked in the office, I was able to impress my boss and coworkers with my dedication and skills. I gained the trust of our clients and helped to strengthen and clarify our business. I also built extremely meaningful relationships with the people there. Like an idiot I thought those very same skills would translate to my work at home.

In reality, I've had to build a completely different set of skills at home. The patience and joy and compentency I had at work mean nothing inside the walls of our home. When my boss was grumpy and explosive over a small matter, I was able to smile and help him refocus on the big picture, but when my son throws a fit, I feel it is an attack on how I've raised him and I go into defense mode. Which means I start acting like a 6 year old.

My kids are not impressed with me. No matter what I do, I could have always done something better. I fail them numerous times daily. I keep asking them to understand that I'm trying, to give me a break, to know that I'm wiser and they need to trust me. But they are kids. They don't understand me or what is going on in my heart, nor should they. They are incapable of validating me.

That last statement is the clarification I have been looking for over the past year. I've been waiting for them to pat me on the back and say, "Nice work Mom, no one could have done that better than you." Everyone in my life validates me, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my friends. But with my kids, every validation they give me is closely followed by more powerful devalidation.

And that is the best thing that could have ever have happened to me. When everyone is letting me know how great I am, it is easy to believe it, but when the very people I desire to validate me the most don't, it causes me to focus on where my worth comes from. Most mornings you will find me locked in my bedroom on my knees, begging God to help me find my value in His view of me.

Child For Sale

Cute 2 year blue eyed blonde

New haircut

Great Personality

Will include new fall wardrobe with purchase.

Creative and Curious *

*full disclosure: she does have a tendency to scribble with permanant black marker all over couch, chair, carpet, wall and herself...all in a matter of a few minutes.

Why I think exercise is important

Exercise is not fun. I don't like it, and yet I have come to see that to properly get through my day I should have some sort of endorphine enducing exercise. The past few months have been off schedule with trips and starting homeschooling so I have for the most part skipped daily exercise.

Lately I've had a difficult time keeping my temper at bay with my children, my mantra "In your anger do not sin" has not been working its mantra magic. I decided to make exercise a priority again starting today.

So is there a correlation between not exercising and having a short fuse?

This morning while I was showering post-workout, my daughter comes into the bathroom. She has on only a diaper and is covered in colorful ink handprints. I smile and tell her that once I'm done with my shower she needed a bath. I tell her that I will take off her diaper and she yells "I do it!" and proceeds to take off her diaper that is filled with poop and put it on my hallway floor. She then wants to go on the toilet (even if it is redundant) so she crawls up and sits on it while smearing poo from her butt onto the seat.

I'm still in the shower.

I convice her to stay on the toilet until I am done. I finish up quickly, switch the water and fill up the bath. Once she is sitting in the bath I head out to clean up the diaper and toilet seat. I notice my kitchen table looks funny. There are large mounds of paper towel all over it. On further inspection I find that water has been poured all over the table and floor. On an uncluttered table this would not be an issue. My table is extremely cluttered. Back to the paper towel. Someone had attempted to correct this mess by soaking up the water, but had instead caused a larger mess by leaving soaked mountains of paper towel on my important table clutter.

And yet, though it all, no yelling occured, and no crying children. I'm going with endorphines for the win on this one.

Welcome to my Life.

I'm spending the weekend in Indiana. My brother and sister-in-law had planned a weekend away, so they asked if I would like to bring my kids and come hang at their house for the weekend with their kids. So that is where I am.

Today my 7 year old nephew, Dylan, ran upstairs while I was making dinner and asked if he could please have a snack because he was so hungry and didn't think he could make it until dinner. I smiled and let him know that wasn't a good idea because any snack so close to dinner would start to fill him up...and so on and so on...

My 6 year old son was standing behind Dylan while I launched into my snack lecture. He stepped closer to him, put his arm around him and quietly said, "Welcome to my life Dylan."