In the pursuit of clarification

I'm getting closer to the one year anniversary of my Stay at Home Mom life.

When I worked in the office, I was able to impress my boss and coworkers with my dedication and skills. I gained the trust of our clients and helped to strengthen and clarify our business. I also built extremely meaningful relationships with the people there. Like an idiot I thought those very same skills would translate to my work at home.

In reality, I've had to build a completely different set of skills at home. The patience and joy and compentency I had at work mean nothing inside the walls of our home. When my boss was grumpy and explosive over a small matter, I was able to smile and help him refocus on the big picture, but when my son throws a fit, I feel it is an attack on how I've raised him and I go into defense mode. Which means I start acting like a 6 year old.

My kids are not impressed with me. No matter what I do, I could have always done something better. I fail them numerous times daily. I keep asking them to understand that I'm trying, to give me a break, to know that I'm wiser and they need to trust me. But they are kids. They don't understand me or what is going on in my heart, nor should they. They are incapable of validating me.

That last statement is the clarification I have been looking for over the past year. I've been waiting for them to pat me on the back and say, "Nice work Mom, no one could have done that better than you." Everyone in my life validates me, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my friends. But with my kids, every validation they give me is closely followed by more powerful devalidation.

And that is the best thing that could have ever have happened to me. When everyone is letting me know how great I am, it is easy to believe it, but when the very people I desire to validate me the most don't, it causes me to focus on where my worth comes from. Most mornings you will find me locked in my bedroom on my knees, begging God to help me find my value in His view of me.