it is sunny today..not sure of tomorrow's forcast

i've had a huge backlog of laundry over the past week. i've been dumping the clean clothes into a big pile on our living room floor. today, with the help of my husband, i've pretty much gotten caught up.

that has been the accomplished goal for today.

susan's memorial service is tomorrow morning. tomorrow's goal is to face up the fact that she is really gone.

these past two days i've been functioning...i've been smiling...i've had fun. i know it is okay to still enjoy life, but it isn't good to hide.

i didn't think i was hiding until the thought passed through my mind that it would feel so good to not go the the service tomorrow. and then i thought how i would be okay to go on like this...and do i really need to go tomorrow and relive those horrible realities?

when i think about tomorrow, i get a pit in my stomach. i start getting nervous. i'm not really comfortable being emotional in public.

but that really isn't point, is it? it isn't about my loss and my sadness. the point is that God knows what he is doing. and even if it sucks and it hurts, we have a responsibility to trust God in the midst of it.

so tomorrow i'm going to praise God. i'm going to cry. i'm going to hurt for myself. i'm going to hurt for her friends. i'm going to hurt for her family.

and while i'm hurting and crying, i'm going to trust.