i have to blog this

i'm reading "operating instructions" by anne lamott. there is an amazing passage that i have to share. hang on...its long.

"my gay friend Jane, who like me, used to drink a little bit more than was perhaps good for her, said on the winter solstice this year that for her, being a pagan, the solstice is not just about the darkest night of the year but also abou the darkest night of the soul. she and her goddess-worshipping friends celebrate this because the seeds of new growth lie in this darkness and develop in the winter to bloom in the spring. i said, what do you pagan homos do at your midnight celebration--put a bunch of dogs in wicker baskets and push them off cliffs, with Hally Near playing on a nearby boom box? and she looked over at my big italian crucifix on the kitchen wall, at the thorns, at the bloody wound, the nails through his palms, and the she turned to me with a look of such amused condescension that all i could do was laugh. as soon as she left, though, i went and stared at the crucifix for a long time and breathed it in. i believe in it, and it's so nuts. How did some fabulously cerebral and black-humored cynic like myself come to fall for all that Christian lunacy, to see the cross not as an end but a beginning, to believe as much as I believe in gravity or in the size of space that Jesus paid a debt he didn't owe because we had a debt we couldn't pay? it, my faith, is a great mystery. it has all the people close to me shaking their heads. it has me shaking my head. but i have a photograph on my wall of this ancient crucifix at a church over in Cort Madera, a tall splintering wooden Christ with his arms blown off in some war, under which someone long ago wrote, "Jesus has no arms but ours to do his work and to show his love," and every time i read that, i always end up thinking that these are the only operationg instructions i will ever need."

thanks for your concern

thank you all for the love you've expressed to me. i'm doing much better. there is some progress at work, and i had a good meeting with my boss today.

all for now.

I have a lot of things going on in my life right now...and i have no idea which ones will spill out into my blog. so i'm viewing this post as a little adventure. i'm just sitting down to type without any thought on the subject i'm going to talk about.

i have a lot of things to add to my crepe shop journal. i've decided that i like my job, but i'm not a huge fan of my boss. he is not a bad guy, we are just not a good working fit. he needs a lot more than i can give. i would be able to give him what he wants if i ...had no husband, no child, no life. i'm losing control of my life and major things are slipping through, things like my kid. i'm guessing he isn't going to be damaged from me quite yet, and i do try and give him time...but even when i give him time, i'm exhausted and want to sleep. that doesn't make for a very fun or stimulating mom. Speaking of the name "mom"... jaden has skipped over the whole "mommy" thing and just calls me "mom". but there is an added bonus...he has begun to yell my name whenever he wants me, even if he is sitting on my lap. sometimes he sounds like an adolescent boy yelling for his mom. its very strange to see something so clear and adult sounding come out of his mouth. dan and i were trying to teach him some other words yesterday, mostly because we like watching him try to repeat it. he'll work on saying the word, decide if it is doable or too difficult, and then if it is the latter...he'll just throw out a "bah" and see if we'll buy it. and we always buy it. i wonder if a boy can get through life only yelling mom and bah. he's pretty cute, so i think he'll do just fine.

i was supposed to go to columbus yesterday to suprise our friend shane at a party his wife threw for him. i couldn't go though. i was planning on leaving after my shift in the morning and driving straight there, but i had an employee not show for her shift to relieve me. so there is that. i had to stay and work. i was pretty upset. i actually started crying while i was making crepes. which wouldn't have been bad if we weren't slammed, but we were completely slammed with no relief in sight.

so that is life.