i just want to jump out of my skin

so my job...i'm not going into details because this past saturday i was extremely humbled by the pride in my heart. Noel's message was great and through it i saw how judgemental i've been through this process. just because i may be hurt by a person, does not give me the right to lash out in revenge. i feel like i've been running person to person, tugging on their arms and asking, "will you take my side, will you...will you?" i'm pretty embarrassed by my immaturity. my boss has no intention to hurt me. he may not care for me or about me, but i can't assume that. that is not my problem. it is between him and God. all i need to care about is if God cares for me.

just had a thought. when i took this job i remember having a talk with God about the potential hazards i was entering. i was leaving security where i was constantly affirmed and entering the "real world" where people may not like me or affirm me. funny...i never once thought about that being the issue with my boss...i just assumed i would have to deal with it from the employees. when in fact the opposite happened.

and here is the reality. my boss is not evil. he just has expectations that i can't meet. someone else will, but i just can't. which is weird for me because i've always been able to superceed all expectations for all my bosses. and i can run around telling people how unfair those expectations are, or i can deal with the fact that if i was able to put myself completely into this job i could give him what he needs. i'm just choosing not to put myself completely into this job. i can't, and my reasons are good...but i shouldn't expect my boss to be happy about that. it is just time to leave, and allow room for someone to be what he needs.

thats it.

thank you to everyone who has been affirming me. it means a lot...you may be feeding an unhealthy addiction...but it means a lot. :)

and thank you to all who are praying for me. i really, really can tell. its hard to explain how i can tell...but trust me, i can.

and if you want all the gritty details...email me and i'll tell all. :)


just kidding


...or am i?