Suzanne Price

He still has his bear

2011-11-05T20:47:00.004-04:00

I was feeling nostalgic yesterday so I combed through some old posts. And that is where I discovered my son. The one who took his bear everywhere, the one who repeatedly asked me to marry him. The one who could ignite my anger and melt my heart in the same breath.

I know his dad and I know him better than anyone, and yet I don't feel like I recognize him anymore. I love watching him grow and mature from baby to boy to little man...but the older he gets the more he becomes a mystery to me.

This week he came home after a rough day at school. He was snippy and defensive and I took it all in stride...ha ha just kidding...that is a lie. I got irritated. He went to his room to get something and I felt a tug in my heart. I knew I needed to get over my irritation and give him some love, and for once I acted on it. I went downstairs, got eye level with him, grabbed his head with my hands and planted a fat kiss on his forehead. I pulled his head back and looked him in squarely in the eye and said, "I love you buddy."

And that was when I had a flash of recognition. It may have been his smile or his eyes who knows, but it was him. Jaden Catcher Price, my son.

He may never ask me to marry him again...which is good because that would get weird...but no matter how bad his breath is or confusing his obsessions are he is and always will be my boy.

Why I should wash my dishes more often

2011-09-19T20:29:00.002-04:00

I really dislike washing dishes, and one of the things I dislike the most is how easy it actually is and how little time it takes. I have a dishwasher so I only have to hand wash a couple of things, but those things mock me daily. They sit, unwashed in an unkempt stack by my sink laughing at my helplessness to make the kitchen look clean without dealing with them. I avoid it for days, and then once I finally surrender, and start the process only to be done in 5 minutes...I again am frustrated with how long it took me to deal with it. Hmm, just saw a parallel drawn for my spiritual life.

Anyways, tonight during my dishwashing my mind wandered to elementary school and all the drama that was my 2nd-5th grade years. I don't know what it was about my class, but we ladies were desperate housewives caught in itty-bitty bodies. We had lies, gossip, boyfriend swapping, best friend stealing, torture (not really) cruel jokes...you get the idea. If we had been born at a different time they would probably have named a reality show after us, "The cruel elementary lives of Warsaw Christian School." Oh yeah, we were christians alright, downright Medieval Crusade style.

I remember I used to blame one girl in particular. Her name was Jahna and I worshiped her. She was beautiful, wealthy and popular. I always wanted to get in with her. I would on occasion...but then I would get traded for another best friend. I believed that if she were to leave the school I would finally be happy. Peace was just waiting for this girl to get out of the way. Once she came to school and told all of us that she cried all night the night before and begged her mom to homeschool her, and I thought, "Yes, that is a good idea. You should totally get homeschooled. And then wait, then maybe I could get homeschooled and our moms could teach us together and we will live completely happy as bffs." Neither of us ended up getting homeschooled although our teachers were probably rooting for that plan behind the scenes.

In 6th grade things changed. I changed. I got sick and I got fat, really fat. It all happened over the summer so I showed up in fall like "Hey remember the 75lb girl from 5th grade? She just gained 45 lbs of water weight over the summer and almost died...how was your summer?" And a strange thing happened, the drama went away. I do have a couple of memories of kids being cruel, but that was associated with my weight and not with the girly drama. Until tonight I have always just figured the drama went away because I was no longer a threat. I wasn't pretty so there were no boyfriends to fight over. Mystery solved.

But tonight it hit me...I think the drama went away because I was the drama. The only thing that changed in 6th grade was me. I went from being a self-centered insecure little princess snot person who gossiped and manipulated to get more popular, to a fat, God fearing girl.

Oh Jahna, I am so sorry. You did not deserve the blame I threw on you. I just wanted to be anyone other than myself. What a terrible way to live. Praise God he picked up this confused 5th grader, took away everything that she thought made her important, and hit the reset button.

Ole'! Take 2

2011-08-07T20:39:00.003-04:00

I've been to Mexico a grand total of two times in my life. Dan took me to a resort a couple of years ago for a delayed honeymoon/early 10 year anniversary trip. We lounged around kid free taking full advantage of the beautiful beaches, pools, all inclusive food and drinks, and the never ending sun. I came back tan, relaxed, and a bit heavier.

Two months ago I went back to Mexico. I came back exhausted, dirty, sporting a beautiful farmers tan, and hair I like to describe as "haggard mom hair." This was not a resort, but over the week I was there it became the most beautiful place I've ever been. The strong emotions have faded as they do after a trip like this, but what has replaced it is an understanding and a resolve that is deep and real. It is a strange and overwhelming thing to see God working and doing His thing in a different part of the world. I've heard about it, but to see it first hand simultaneously humbled and thrilled me. These kids in Mexico are the abandoned, the forgotten, the despised, and God has refused to allow that to remain. He is using Back2Back Ministries to restore hope to the hopeless...which is no small undertaking.

So for one small week myself and 58 others from my church got to jump in and help them do their thang. And I'm home now, reunited with my own children, and resolved to help restore hope to the hopeless in my own part of the world. Doing that looks much different here than it did there, but it is all for the same God.

And I think that is amazing.

Ole!

2011-07-18T22:51:00.001-04:00

I just had a great memory return to me when I wrote the title. This is completely not what I was planning on discussing, but a little digression is healthy for my soul. Years ago, when I was helping establish a crepe shop I was discussing the espresso menu with the owner. I may have mentioned a few hundred times that I had worked in coffee shops for many years and he should trust me with this menu.

Well...he did until he realized that I truly though Cafe Au Lait (meaning coffee with milk) was spelled Cafe "Ole." The picture of him laughing and throwing up his arms in a mock Spanish dance whilst yelling, "Ole!" is forever branded on my pride.

I planned on writing about my time in Mexico...and this is what showed up instead.

My mind is weird.

Dad

2011-06-19T08:12:00.003-04:00

When I was young, I knew I was adored.

My dad would take me on dates and sing to me as I came down the steps in the morning. He also played tag and chased me around the house until the day he tripped and seriously injured his shoulder. On an unrelated note...did I mention by the time I came into the family my father was not all that "young"?

When I was a teenager, I knew I was safe.

I shudder knowing I will have teenagers someday. I knew everything, and I didn't need any advice or guidance. But even when I was arguing and blocking him out, I was watching. I watched him love our mom the way a husband should. I watched him hurt for his kids as he walked with them in their pain. I almost watched him die, and as scary as that was, I watched his commitment to God throughout his entire recovery. And through all of my watching I knew I had a father who loved God and his family. And I knew I was safe.

When I was in college, I knew I was an idiot.

The time came when I finally saw the selfish spoiled girl I truly was-the stupid girl who knew nothing and had taken the gift of her father for granted.

Now I'm a girl with her own family. And now I know. The adoration, the security, the unconditional love...it all came from a man who reflects my Heavenly Father far better than any other dad I know.

I am who I am today because of the man my father was and is. The older I get, the more aware I become that fathers in general are scarce, but fathers like him are unheard of.

But he exists, and he is a gift I no longer take for granted.

Bringing in 7 with style

2011-05-08T20:25:00.002-04:00

Today is Mother's Day. Today is also Jaden's seventh birthday. Seven years ago I remember holding my 1 day old son on Mother's Day and thinking, "Whose baby is this?"

I also remember a holding you a week after you were born and crying through my sleep deprived hormonal tears, "She's so beautiful."

Seven years later and we still get to call you ours. How humbling. You are bright, you are deep, you are compassionate, you are full of faith. You ask questions that cause me to ask questions which cause me to grow up a little bit more.

Son, you are the iron that sharpens my iron.

I cannot imagine a better Mother's Day gift than you.

why you don't argue with a 3 year old

2011-04-20T09:33:00.004-04:00

This morning Parker and I had a discussion about what clothes matched.

"Mommy, we can't wear brown pants. It no match."

"Parker, you need to trust me."

"But it no match Mommy."

"Do you understand that I am smarter than you and I know things that you don't know?"

"You no 'marter. And I am cute and no 'marter."

She wore the brown pants. She and I both walked away thinking we had won.

Ugly Faces and Nerds

2011-04-17T21:15:00.004-04:00

I had a friend at college, I will call her Roma because I don't know anyone by that name (is that even a human name?). She and I got along early on our freshman year...and then I began to notice a disturbing trend. When our group of friends would go to the cafeteria to eat, I wouldn't get a call to join them. Roma would then plan outings and "forget" to invite me. I was starting to get nudged out. This happened slowly and I think it is dumb to fight when it comes to this sort of thing so I kept my mouth shut and started developing other friendships.

But every once in awhile Roma and I would find ourselves hanging out with everyone. One night we were all together and laughing hard about who knows what (it was probably juvenile because as I mentioned we were freshmen). Roma and I were both laughing and she looks at me, points and says, "Suzanne, your face is so ugly when you laugh."

Try as I might I can not get that out of my head every time I laugh.

Another time I remember her saying in front of everyone, "You sure go on a lot of dates, but the guys you date are so nerdy." I am currently laughing (and probably looking hideous) because thinking back, both those things are potentially true.

There is something else I remember vividly. I had/have a friend named Suzy (real name) who was part of that freshman troupe. We never spoke about Roma, but I think she noticed on some level what was going on. She started to call and make sure I was invited when they were going to eat or go on some excursion. My other friends didn't do that, not because they didn't like me...but because they didn't see it. But Suzy noticed and she did something about it.

I want to be like that. I want to pay attention like that.

By the way, Roma and I are cool. We got along fine as we got older and settled in to our college thing. In fact, since I think about her almost every time I laugh she might be the person I think about the most from college. The exception being my husband of course. And for the record, I may have dated a lot of nerds early on...but I ended up with the coolest one who loves me and my ugly laughing face.

I want more

2011-04-17T20:48:00.003-04:00

This week Jaden and I were having conversation in the car about why I didn't always allow him to get more ipad apps, even when they are free. I explained how everything around us tells us that we need more things, more stuff, and only through that will we find happiness.

He mentioned he has realized when he gets a toy he's wanted for a very long time he gets bored of it pretty quickly and he wants something new.

Exactly.

I asked him if there is anything in the world that would make him happy forever. He paused, thought and said, "Jesus." What a good pastor's kid. We discussed what satisfaction meant and that learning about God, following God and trusting God is the only thing in life that brings real joy and happiness.

His response was, "Wow, I want all of that God stuff!"

Exactly.

You know what? Me too. I also want Jaden's purity and passion. His ability to trust without a hint of skepticism or irony. Once I tried to explain the Holy Spirit to one of my friends, and the whole time I was talking a voice in my head was saying, "This sounds ridiculous."

But who cares? I know God is the only reason I am who I am. I know that I am selfish mess on my own. So why do I hesitate? Jesus said to come to Him as a child. I understand why.

Raising children has taught me more about my sinfulness than any other thing. I have had to rely on God desperately in ways I never imagined. It has forced me into His Word. And crazy thing...the Word is changing me. You may not see it, but it is there. I trust like I've never trusted before. My passion is more pure than it ever has been. I still don't have what Jaden has, but I'm closer to that than ever before.

I want all of that.

further college rememberences...

2011-04-16T21:47:00.008-04:00

How is this for a story opening?

"Once upon a time there was girl who received a nomination for homecoming court her sophomore year of college."

hmmm, seems to fall flat...maybe it is because I used "college" and "homecoming court" in the same sentence.

And yes, I was nominated and it was flattering, but I had some reservations and concerns.

A- Why does a university even have homecoming queen?
B- You have to talk in front of people about being nominated and why you are worthy of it. That is a terrible thing to make someone say.
C- You have to deal with people thinking that you care that you didn't win and being really careful around you because you may be sensitive about it. And how do you explain to someone that you don't care without sounding like you do?

All the nominees had to give a speech (see above point B). What are you supposed to say and how do you prepare for something like that? So I didn't prepare, I just went up and talked. One of my close friends, Nan, was also nominated and gave a speech. While we were discussing afterward, one of our guy friends congratulated her on a great speech (she ended up winning). He then said, "I really didn't like the girl that was up there and just kept talking and talking. I didn't think she was ever going to stop."

There was silence. I said, "Ummmm Cory, are you referring to me?"

More silence.

Yes, he was referring to me...and yet my speech bored him so thoroughly that he didn't even remember it was me. It was delightfully awkward for a few moments after that.

Every time I prepare to speak publicly I think of Cory's words. I am grateful because it has helped me recognize early on the importance of being prepared and to the point lest someone wipe me from their memory completely...again.

It is time to come clean

2011-04-11T15:35:00.007-04:00

This post has been a long time coming. I don't even know if I'm ready to write about this yet. It is one of those things that isn't a big deal in the scope of life, and it isn't even relevant anymore...but when I think about it I still get ill.

I appreciate that I was raised not taking myself too seriously and not getting too bent out of shape about things. I will be the first person to make fun of myself or tell an embarrassing story that makes me look ridiculous. But there was this one time....

Years ago I managed a crepe shop. It was owned by a very nice wealthy man who liked crepes and decided to build a restaurant so he could eat them there. He had a good sense of humor, but he was also very particular in the way our shop looked and was perceived. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was more important to him that the spot on one of our chairs be removed, than the inventory be counted and the ordering be correct.

Since our shop was new to the area, we liked publicity and if it happened to be free...well, then all the better. My friend knew a guy at the local city paper (not the official one, but the artsy one where you read stuff about beer and dance clubs) and called him up to see if he was interested in doing an article on our shop. He was. My boss was excited about this opportunity and asked if I could do the interview because he was going to be in India for a few weeks. Cool. No problem. I helped put this shop together with the owner so I knew this place inside and out.

The journalist guy showed up with a photographer at the shop a few days later. We got along really well and joked and laughed and talked about the crepe shop, the employees, our uniforms (we had to wear berets) how hot it was in the shop, our favorite crepe to make, and a little about my son (he was with me and looking crazy cute with his 6 month old self). The photographer was great too and after he snapped a couple of shots we said our goodbyes. I felt great about the interview.

I don't remember how long it was before the article came out, but I do know my boss was still in India. We were all excited to see this 2 page spread on our great little place. And then I got a strange call at the shop. It was early, in fact I think it was before we opened, I know it was still dark out...but anyways, I answered it.

Me- "Hello?"
Creepy voice - "Hi. Is this Suzanne from Ooh La La Crepes?"
Me- "Yes?"
Creepy voice - "Well, I just read your article in the City Pulse and wanted to tell you that I thought it was a great interview and even though I've never been there before, I now want to try your restaurant."
Me - "Uh...great. Thank you."
Creepy Voice - "That is all. Goodbye."

Strange for sure, but what struck me as even stranger was that I hadn't even seen the article yet. That changed later that day. The City Pulse showed up and I tore into it. The first thing I noticed was the huge picture of me. It startled me a little bit, but not as much as what I was about to encounter in the article. It is difficult for me to quote what was said for a couple of reasons, one being that it was many years ago and the other is that I have been trying to purge that article from my mind since the moment I read it. What I do remember clearly is the growing dread as I read further and further and then the panic that hit when I was done.

Here are some of the things that I was quoted as saying.

"The uniforms aren't very popular with the employees, but the customers like them...they are better than the french maid uniforms that our owner originally suggested"

"Yeah, it gets so hot in here that the food inspector (jokingly) told me that we don't even need to salt our crepes, our sweat will do that."

(Glancing over at my son)"My son really dislikes the berets too. I make him wear it because I think it's funny."

and so on and so on....

I threw away all the papers in our shop.

Even my loving supportive employees, although finding much humor in the article, told me that I was toast when the boss man read it. I was pissed at first at the interviewer and felt like I had been mislead, and then I recognized that although he could have spun it better, those were direct quotes from me. I was screwed. I was an idiot.

And what was with the creep voice guy? It could have been some weirdo who likes to get the paper hot off the press and then call all the people in it because he is lonely...or I like to think the journalist guy paid a homeless man to call me once he realized I may not be to happy with the result of the article. I'll never know.

How does the story end? Well, as far as I know the boss never read the damning article. He kept asking me to find a copy of it...and I just couldn't produce one. He was irritated with my ineptness at locating the article, but given the circumstances I'll take irritation.

So there it is. I gave a horrible interview, made myself and my business look like a joke and then hid it from my boss.

The purge is now complete.

Because I'm amazing, that's why

2011-04-11T15:27:00.002-04:00

Today I was standing in the bathroom with the door open doing my hair. Jaden was standing directly outside of the bathroom talking to Parker. I heard him say, "Oh Parker, you are such a little shrimp." He then turns (note that he only has to turn around, not run across the house or even the room to see me) around and says, "Hey mom, I just called Parker a new name. You know what it is?"

"Uh..is it Little Shrimp?"

He throws his hands up in the air and says, "GRRR, why is it you know everything?!"

2011-03-22T18:38:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been imagining life without a delete button. What would the world look like if I couldn't edit or sensor myself? I went through and deleted all my unposted blogs the other day. Trust me, they were unposted for a reason. I think one discussed the benefits of well fitting jeans...how is that for some golden nuggets of blogdom?

Things have felt cloudy lately. And then I hear myself saying, "Parker, your underwear is not a pocket" and the metaphorical sun breaks through for moment. I have a great life. Seriously. We have our rougher patches, but if I can keep my eyes firmly fixed to the hope I have in Christ the clouds don't feel so heavy or even relevant except to only mold me more like God.

Granted, that is a big "if." I screw the focus thing up constantly. I get whiney, selfish, and indulgent (says the woman who is currently eating her weight in breadsticks). Thank God for His mercy every day, and for the delete button.

I cough...therefore I rest not

2011-03-16T01:12:00.002-04:00

I used to think I did my best thinking into the late/early hours of the day. All a lie. I'm only delusional during those hours. The last hour I have contemplated why I find the squeaky shoes in college and NBA games so grating, what it would feel like if I did in fact cough up a lung, and why the word "bowel" is such a nasty word. God help me if this is my cream of the crop thinking.

Speaking of God and words...

Last year sometime I was haunted by Paul's exortation to not swear by anything but to let your yeses be yeses and your nos be nos (paraphrase mine). That is really hard to do. Simply yes and simply no. No abundance of excuses or apologies, no backtracking or overstating. This has also caused me to look more carefully at my language usage. Tonight someone on facebook posted a picture of her newly aquired engagemeng ring. I left a comment saying, "I cannot wait to hear the story." Then I realized it was a lie. The truth is I am very content to wait and hear the story. I'm not in a rush at all.

So I deleted it and wrote something honest and still hopefully conveyed my excitement. The statement "I am in no rush to hear your story" doesn't translate well for a FB comment.

I need to learn some more words. The words I use are plain. Except for the word "droolio." That's a good one. I made it up. It usually follows the word, "coolio" which is also made up. I use those words quite a bit.

True story, 'cause I'm coolio droolio like that.

I need to get more sleep.

Ode to Parker

2011-03-14T20:55:00.003-04:00

Parker is getting ripped off. The poor beauty is 3 and I have only documented her life a couple of times. And one of those times I was trying to sell her. We were in Florida in the beginning of February visiting my parents, and Dan and I left the kids with mom and dad while we skipped off to Miami Beach for a few days, and then skipped off again on a cruise for a few more days. The day we got back from all of our skipping we had to pack up and leave to go back home. I was tired and cranky and still dizzy from our cruise and Parker was annoying. I thought I was handling it well until my mom looked at me and said, "If you roll your eyes at your daughter one more time we will keep her for you."

Oops. I mumbled some sort of apology and continued to pack the car.

Here is the official word on my girl. She likes pink. She is an extremely messy eater-it is almost an artform for her. She hits her brother when he annoys her and then turns around, extends her arms and says, "huggie?" She is crazy cool. Her expressions, her dance moves, her singing, they exude a strong rooted spirit of joy. She disobeys me and in the next split second is asking "Are you happy mama?" Parker is sparkly.

I love my girl.

And darling, if you read this one day, I'm sorry that grandma had to threaten to keep you for me to snap out of my snarly attitude. Grandma has a daughter too...and apparently she still needs to be corrected by mom occasionally.

I married a what?

2011-01-14T00:39:00.006-05:00

I distinctly remember when it hit me. Many years ago I was riding in the car with Dan and we were on a highway at night. I looked at him and said quietly, "Do you realize you've made me a pastor's wife? That was not part of the deal when we got married."

Many men pursue the pastoral career path. Most of those men seem to have gone to my university, and fortunately for them there was no shortage of fine ladies ready to be swept up and married to these pastors-in-training.

In school I knew a few things.
1. I was sick of dating.
2. I really only wanted to serve God and I didn't care if I was single doing it.
3. I didn't want to marry a pastor.

My husband did not train to be a pastor during school. He graduated with the same degree I have. He did not feel "called" into the life we are in today.

And yet I should have known. He is a fine man, a great man. A man with strength and character and a drive for justice paired with wisdom, a humble heart, and desire to serve others before himself.

So here we are. He is a pastor, I am a pastor's wife, and our children are pastor's kids.

This was not my plan...but my plans suck. I'm glad God has taken over the planning in our lives.

Clowns, Mice and Generosity

2011-01-12T12:02:00.003-05:00

I made a friend today. Her name is Sheila. We have talked and met a couple of times before, and today she called me out of the blue.

"Suzanne? This is Sheila. I just wanted to let you know that I had the best Thanksgiving and Christmas this year since I was 12 and wanted to call you and thank you."

This year Dan and I were given a name of a family so we could provide them Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Our family was Sheila. I called her first in November and we talked through her plans for dinner and what she wanted to make and what she needed to make it. I don't think she has kids, but she is engaged and was planning on cooking for his family.I learned right off that this lady can cook. I loved that, so I had her talk me through her recipes so I wouldn't miss a thing. I picked up the food, dropped it off, gave her a hug and told her I would talk to her in December. December came and we talked again, she told me about Thanksgiving and how grateful she was and then we discussed her Christmas menu. I picked up the food, a couple small gifts, dropped it off, gave hugs and we were off.

As I was buying her groceries for Christmas, I kept thinking about how I wanted to overwhelm her with generosity. Not because I am privileged and wealthy, but simply because Jesus has given to us.

Her call today stunned me. As she was speaking, I began to cry. Not a tear up whimper cry but an all out, "I cannot speak right now because I am choked up on tears" cry. I asked if she minded if I prayed for her, and she opened up about being adopted and how her adopted parents died when she was 12, and because she was adopted her siblings didn't feel she was part of the family. With no parents, adopted parents, or siblings she has felt orphaned for the better part of her 40ish years.

We talked for a long time. She told me about her fear of mice and how she saw one last week in her kitchen and locked herself in her bedroom for 3 days and made her fiance bring her food and juice. And then when she finally ventured out, she wore heels and stomped around to make sure it wouldn't scare her. We laughed hysterically over our shared fear of clowns and the creepy people that must be hiding behind all that makeup.

She wants to go to church with me. She knew I had gotten her name through my church so she told her friends that have been inviting her to church that she would go with them, but she wanted to go to my church first as a way to say thank you.

Sheila said many humbling things today but the one thing that really sticks out is when she said our gifts and food made her feel like she wasn't alone and that there were families out there that love.

I can't take this all in right now. All I could do is thank her for allowing us to share in her life. And right now all I can do is thank God for orchestrating all of this.

We give because He gives...and then He overwhelms us with more giving.

A log

2010-10-19T11:46:00.002-04:00

4:15 am - hear slow creaking of the doorknob.
4:20 am - creaking has stopped so fall back asleep
4:25 am - creaking resumes and results in freaking me out and pissing me off simultaneously
4:30 am - see 6 year old shadowy figure trying to sneak into my closet
4:31 am - I wave him over and ask him to explain what is going on. Find out he is looking for his Webkinz password in our closet.
4:33 am - realize my son is wide awake and being completely serious.

It is a good time to mention I have no idea what time it is during any of this. I do have a clock, but it is on Dan's side, and without my glasses I can't read it.

4:35 am - get out of bed to help my son.
4:36 am - stop to look at the clock in the kitchen. Swear.
4:37 am - go downstairs and explain to my son that the Webkinz password is a much smaller concern than the fact that he is up, moving and bothering me.
4:39 am - pray quickly that my sleep deprived words don't scar him. I also mention that the password is in fact written on a piece of paper on the computer...so it is fairly difficult to miss. Finally convince him to go back to bed and tell him that he can get up at 6:30.
4:45 am - tuck my son back into bed and stumble to my own bed.

5:00 am - lay in bed and think about mexican food
5:15 am - lay in bed and think about the tv show Chuck
5:45 am - lay in bed and think about sad comedians
6:00 am - start to drift...and I'm out

6:45 am - woke up by a slowly creaking doorknob. Swear.
6:50 am - am informed that the Webkinz password does not work.
6:51 am - take my son downstairs where he shows me the password paper. I explain to him that it is fine. He explains to me that it isn't fine because I had laid the paper upside down on the computer, and it confused him.
6:53 am - I surrender, log him in myself, tell him if he bothers me again he may have to look for another family.

I give!

2010-10-11T10:18:00.002-04:00

I spend way too much time trying to pull off the "I don't care what I look like" look. Okay, I confess! I do care what I look like and I do spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror attempting to get the perfect casual ponytail. I also carefully apply layers of foundation, coverup and bronzing powder to look like I don't need to wear makeup.

Whew, this grownup woman thing is a equal combination of deception and hard work.

Stupid Initiative

2010-10-04T14:21:00.002-04:00

I found a piece of paper on my table. It reads "Initiative is seeing what needs to be done and doing it." I feel the need to explain that this paper was left over from Jaden's class at church, not a cleverly placed motivator by my husband (or is it both...hmmm).

I was extremely psyched that Jaden is going to be learning about initiative at church this month. Finally he will hear from others that I am indeed correct and he does need to pick up his dirty underwear or take a shower or not leave sharp little evil lego pieces on the floor.

There is another piece of paper on my table. It is my to do list for the week. Or as I like to call it, "my feel quilty all week" list. The irony is not lost on me.

In the pursuit of clarification

2010-09-24T12:26:00.002-04:00

I'm getting closer to the one year anniversary of my Stay at Home Mom life.

When I worked in the office, I was able to impress my boss and coworkers with my dedication and skills. I gained the trust of our clients and helped to strengthen and clarify our business. I also built extremely meaningful relationships with the people there. Like an idiot I thought those very same skills would translate to my work at home.

In reality, I've had to build a completely different set of skills at home. The patience and joy and compentency I had at work mean nothing inside the walls of our home. When my boss was grumpy and explosive over a small matter, I was able to smile and help him refocus on the big picture, but when my son throws a fit, I feel it is an attack on how I've raised him and I go into defense mode. Which means I start acting like a 6 year old.

My kids are not impressed with me. No matter what I do, I could have always done something better. I fail them numerous times daily. I keep asking them to understand that I'm trying, to give me a break, to know that I'm wiser and they need to trust me. But they are kids. They don't understand me or what is going on in my heart, nor should they. They are incapable of validating me.

That last statement is the clarification I have been looking for over the past year. I've been waiting for them to pat me on the back and say, "Nice work Mom, no one could have done that better than you." Everyone in my life validates me, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my friends. But with my kids, every validation they give me is closely followed by more powerful devalidation.

And that is the best thing that could have ever have happened to me. When everyone is letting me know how great I am, it is easy to believe it, but when the very people I desire to validate me the most don't, it causes me to focus on where my worth comes from. Most mornings you will find me locked in my bedroom on my knees, begging God to help me find my value in His view of me.

Child For Sale

2010-09-23T15:59:00.002-04:00

Cute 2 year blue eyed blonde

New haircut

Great Personality

Will include new fall wardrobe with purchase.

Creative and Curious *

*full disclosure: she does have a tendency to scribble with permanant black marker all over couch, chair, carpet, wall and herself...all in a matter of a few minutes.

Why I think exercise is important

2010-09-20T13:28:00.002-04:00

Exercise is not fun. I don't like it, and yet I have come to see that to properly get through my day I should have some sort of endorphine enducing exercise. The past few months have been off schedule with trips and starting homeschooling so I have for the most part skipped daily exercise.

Lately I've had a difficult time keeping my temper at bay with my children, my mantra "In your anger do not sin" has not been working its mantra magic. I decided to make exercise a priority again starting today.

So is there a correlation between not exercising and having a short fuse?

This morning while I was showering post-workout, my daughter comes into the bathroom. She has on only a diaper and is covered in colorful ink handprints. I smile and tell her that once I'm done with my shower she needed a bath. I tell her that I will take off her diaper and she yells "I do it!" and proceeds to take off her diaper that is filled with poop and put it on my hallway floor. She then wants to go on the toilet (even if it is redundant) so she crawls up and sits on it while smearing poo from her butt onto the seat.

I'm still in the shower.

I convice her to stay on the toilet until I am done. I finish up quickly, switch the water and fill up the bath. Once she is sitting in the bath I head out to clean up the diaper and toilet seat. I notice my kitchen table looks funny. There are large mounds of paper towel all over it. On further inspection I find that water has been poured all over the table and floor. On an uncluttered table this would not be an issue. My table is extremely cluttered. Back to the paper towel. Someone had attempted to correct this mess by soaking up the water, but had instead caused a larger mess by leaving soaked mountains of paper towel on my important table clutter.

And yet, though it all, no yelling occured, and no crying children. I'm going with endorphines for the win on this one.

Welcome to my Life.

2010-09-17T21:34:00.003-04:00

I'm spending the weekend in Indiana. My brother and sister-in-law had planned a weekend away, so they asked if I would like to bring my kids and come hang at their house for the weekend with their kids. So that is where I am.

Today my 7 year old nephew, Dylan, ran upstairs while I was making dinner and asked if he could please have a snack because he was so hungry and didn't think he could make it until dinner. I smiled and let him know that wasn't a good idea because any snack so close to dinner would start to fill him up...and so on and so on...

My 6 year old son was standing behind Dylan while I launched into my snack lecture. He stepped closer to him, put his arm around him and quietly said, "Welcome to my life Dylan."

Because my mom-in-law said so

2010-08-17T22:17:00.003-04:00

My mother-in-law said that I should start blogging again, and I feel the need to quote here... "because my blog is both humorous and insightful." Did you catch that this was my mother-in-law? Seriously, I hit the mother load (no pun intended..or is it) when I married into this family.

I've noticed a trend in blogging over the past few years. The trend is that there are many funny women out there who have writing styles like mine. And that annoys me. A little something I've noticed about myself lately is that I don't like being a copy. For example, whilst on vacation with my parents last month, I noticed my mother and I were laughing the exact same laugh, and it bothered me so I tried laughing differently. Have you ever tried to laugh a different laugh than your own? Don't...it is dumb. And thent bothered me that it bothered me. She is really cool (hit the mother load with my own family as well), so why wouldn't I want to laugh like her? Or for that matter, why would I mind sharing my humor with other woman bloggers?

I could be selfish...it is a possibility. I pretty much grew up as an only child so maybe I don't like sharing my toys.

I could be a jerk. All my friends and family will defend me (you better), but I know me. Jerkdom is an option.

I could be so overwhelmed with all my responsibilities at home and with the children that I don't have time to spend on the blog. Oh man...I actually laughed out loud when I wrote this. My Facebook stalking would state an opposing opinion.

I had an English professor say, "Don't take yourself too seriously when you write. You can spend some time in introspection, but don't stay there." I feel like I shouldn't have even put quotation marks around that because it was 10 years ago and who knows if what he said was even close to that...but this is what I feel he said.

Regardless, I do think this is a good lesson. It doesn't hurt to look at myself...but don't dwell there. There is much to be done out there in life- people to feed and to care for and to love on. I don't want to waste the few years I have looking at myself only. Other people are way more interesting.

So I may hesitate to blog but I can put that aside for now and instead of trying to figure out why I hesitate, I can show my mother-in-law that I love her. I love that she cares what I think, and I love that she tells me that she cares.

I love you LInda. I hope you know that.

Dragon what?

2010-05-22T16:55:00.002-04:00

Jaden plays T-ball. He has a great coach this year and I've really been enjoying the parents of his teammates as well. Last Thursday they had a scrimmage. After the scrimmage coach sat the team down to discuss the good things and the things they need to improve on. He then mentioned that the team needed a name. His daughter suggested the "All Stars," but then another kid said he didn't like that name and suggested that they be called the "Hot Dogs."

Apparently coach is a big advocate for democracy so they all voted on these two names...except for my son. When Jaden was asked why he didn't vote, his reason was that he didn't like either name. Coach then asked him what he would like the name to be. At this point I braced myself.

Jaden's response, "The Dragon Balls." Parents around me started giggling as I stared at the ground.

And because coach wanted us to see his commitment to democracy, he decided they should re-vote with all three names in the mix.

Final Tally:

All Stars - 3 votes
Hot Dogs - 3 votes
Dragon Balls - 4 votes

On of the dads came over to me to let me know they are holding me responsible for this. He said it with a smile on his face because every parent out there knows that could have been their child. It was actually his kid who suggested "Hot Dogs."

Who am I kidding? "Hot Dogs" would have been an awesome name.

unexpected side effects

2010-05-02T12:23:00.002-04:00

There is something that has occurred since I left work that has caught me by surprise. People are starting to know that I am someone's wife. I'm confused by it, but it may have something to do with me being able to be around him more. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "Oh, we knew who Dan was, and that he was married, and we knew who you were, but we just never put the two of you together."

When I worked, I had time for work and home and a few things with friends. I went to church and served at it, but I now realize I didn't have much time to just "be together" with my husband. We were busy taking shifts and juggling schedules.

This brings me to another thought...I'm not sure if I like not being able to hide. I'm not shy, so that isn't the issue. It is the awareness that people see me and know who I am. I have to be sure I am "representing." There is a difference between this and faking, and it is a good difference. It causes me to have a stronger filter...and yes...at this point I am saying I actually do have a filter although this may be a shock to some.

And another thought...I am not only a wife but I am also a Christ follower. So I'm thinking that the filter thingy should have always been in place. Oops. I often forget that I am a representative of Jesus wether I am writing my facebook updates, writing this blog or just hanging out with friends.

What if people have thought, "I know who Jesus is and who you are, I just never put the two of you together." Granted, I screw up and fail, and I don't think those things need to be hidden (that is what I mean when I say there is a difference between "representing" and "faking") but when I am struggling or I am upset, do I go to the Bible first and see how I should respond, or do I go immediately to my friends or facebook and vent? Or do I sometimes I think I have something hilarious to contribute, but it hasn't...well...lets just say it isn't "well filtered." Eyes are watching. I've found too many times that my gut reaction is questionable and I should shut up and process with God first. And by "process" I mean get off my lazy butt and see what the Bible has to say on the matter, then pray that God changes my heart to be a good reflection on Him.

Just realized I may have hit the all time record of quotation marks in this post. I counted eight. "Wow" (nine). I think I need to work on grammatical filtering next. Be patient...one mountain at a time.

I hope

2010-04-16T14:33:00.002-04:00

My neighbor saw me doing some yardwork and came across the street to talk today. He started with, "You may not be seeing me much around anymore.." my stomach dropped. As we talked I could see the devastation in his face and hear it in his voice. His wife found someone new and he is moving out.

Neither of them are Christians, but they know that we are...or at least they know that Dan is a pastor. I told him we are available if he needs us and that we would love to see him at church (he had mentioned going before). I tried to encourage him that it is important to talk about this and that he should not go through this alone. I then gave him our numbers and said goodbye.

I teared up as he drove away, not as much because he won't be our neighbor, although he was a great one, but because he needs Jesus so badly. Our world is so broken and hurt, full of selfishness, greed and evil. God forgive me when I waste time obsessing about my pet issues and any level of inconvenience that comes into my life. People are falling apart all around us. I can see why Paul was so upset in his letters to the New Testament churches. There is so much need out there and we Christians (me) waste way too much time not meeting those needs. God has established the church to reach the world, and this has strengthened my desire to serve my church and support what God is doing.

I hope he calls. I hope he finds Jesus.

germ smerm

2010-04-03T11:17:00.003-04:00

I've been struggling with some stupid germ the past couple of days. Nothing major just low fever, yucky throat and the general feeling of ick. I like to fall into a pity party when I'm sick. It sounds something like this in my head, "Oh why oh why does my life have to suck so bad-I could be doing such great things right now, feeding the hungry, building homes for habitat for humanity, creating a economic system that will wipe out poverty-but no, instead I have this illness that keeps me strapped in mediocrity and only allows me to function at the lowest level. What a complete tragedy for the world and my life."

But I'm trying this thing where I don't whine about every situation I'm in. So here are some reasons why I like being sick.

-I don't have to workout.
-I don't have to clean.
-I get to take naps.
-I get to read lots of books to my kids (the only thing I've had energy to do).
-Since I don't have the energy to do all the things around the house that distract me from my kids, I've just sat and hung out with them while they played.
-Discovered that my kids actually like having me around while they are playing.

I'm feeling better now and the fever is gone, but Jaden and I are almost done with the Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, so between my workout and cleaning I plan on sitting down and finishing it with him.

The world will have to wait.

I should be taking a shower right now

2010-03-30T09:49:00.000-04:00

Most moments of every day I get caught up into thinking I should be doing something other than the thing I'm doing at that moment (I know, probably not the greatest mindset to have). But once in awhile, there are those moments where all I want to do is freeze time and stay locked into the feeling indefinitely.

Last night after dinner Dan pulled out his guitar and started playing. Parker started singing and Jaden ran and got his guitar. It became a regular jam session for a few minutes. Then the kids started to migrate towards Dan. He sat down on the floor with them and began holding chords while the kiddos strummed and they all sang a song we sing to Parker at bedtime. Modifications of the song began and silliness followed.

Let me back up a bit. My husband had just come home late from an extremely long day of work. I knew he would be wiped out, so I tried to make sure things were in order so he could come home to a relaxing environment. When he got home, dinner was on the table, the kids were fed and getting into their bedtime routines (just to be clear, this is not typical). I expected him to need some quiet time so I tried not to pounce on him like I do other times and start talking about all the important things that went on in my life that day (things like poopy diapers, time outs, being bombarded with questions from a kid who is already smarter than me). We sat down to eat and he started asking me all about the day and telling me about his and we ended up having a very full conversation throughout dinner.

While watching the odd little trio on my floor it hit me-I don't want to be anywhere else than where I am right now. I want this husband and those children. They adore him and they should. He works hard to provide but never wants his role to end there. He is a provider, a husband, and a father. I don't know how he does it, but he excels at all of it.

The kids aren't the only ones in this house who adore him.

3 reasons Why I know Spring is coming

2010-03-17T16:14:00.005-04:00

1. I wore really cute (new) high heeled open toed shoes and since they have only been in boots for the past 3 months, they ripped my feet up. Time to acclimate.

2.The kids stink. I forgot how smelly kids are when they play outside.

3. Was in East Lansing and saw the MSU students in full bloom today. The fact that it is St. Patty's Day probably contributed to their "blooming." It surely contributed to the ridiculous amount of green I saw and leprechauns everywhere I looked.

Again Logic Evades

2010-02-22T11:44:00.002-05:00

The quarantine is up again. Jaden got the stomach flu last night. How horrible for him. I would like to be able to tell you how it was, but I don't know because I was sleeping through all of it. I keep thinking about him by himself in his room, feeling terrible and no one to comfort him.

He came up this morning after my wonderful night of sleep and said, "Mom, you aren't going to want to go downstairs because I threw up." I went to check out the damage and oh my...it wasn't pretty. As more of the story unfolded I discovered once he finally got out of the bed he laid down on the floor (with no blankets b/c they were all dirty) and slept. My sick baby slept on the floor of his room with no pillow or blankets. I kept asking myself why didn't I know and why he had to go through it alone. I was scared that he thought he couldn't bother me in the middle of the night.

Okay, crazy insecure mom...chill out and take care of your son.

So that is what I've been doing. I broke out the rubber gloves and the disinfectant and went to work. I set up a hang out area for him in front of the TV, put up the baby gate to keep Parker upstairs and am currently making sure he is stocked with saltines and sprite.

I did ask him why he didn't get me. His response? He felt too sick to get me. Oh right...I hadn't considered that. That would be too logical.

what is it about nakedness?

2010-02-16T20:30:00.002-05:00

Parker spent the better part of this evening clad in nothing but a diaper, leggings and black boots. Something about being naked inspired her to continually dance too...hmmm...could be an interesting ride raising her.

A Reflection

2010-02-15T09:44:00.002-05:00

Dad called me yesterday. His reason for calling? He "wanted to hear my girl's voice." They returned yesterday from a cruise through the Bahamas. I asked him a variety of questions about their trip, and also knowing about the new dresses mom bought (on sale) for the trip I asked how she looked.

Pause.

"Oh sis...you should have seen her. She looked amazing. She is so beautiful"

and then he added, "In fact, she looked so good she couldn't keep her hands off of me."

Here is a little snapshot into my personality:
-I'm generally laid back.
-I tend to assume that someone will like me when they meet me unless they tell me otherwise (although I'm wrong about this at times, I prefer to stay ignorant).
-I've never grew up thinking my worth was based on how I looked.

Growing up I got a chance to see two extremely different people work together, raise children together, follow God together, and love each other unconditionally. They did a great job raising me (in spite of myself), but I think the most important thing I saw in their lives (after their commitment to God) was they way they loved each other.

They laid a foundation in my life that has benefited my husband, my children, my church and my friends.

So even though they may never read this post, I wanted to say thanks. And Happy Day After Valentines Day.

cleanliness is next to...

2010-02-10T16:28:00.002-05:00

I checked on Parker in the bathtub this weekend and found her washing herself with the toilet brush.

...and yes I did give her a second bath.

Harley with sidecart here I come

2010-02-09T14:16:00.003-05:00

There are many redeeming qualities about my Scion. Today I cannot think of a one.

I attempted to travel through 1 inch of snow on our neighborhood street today and you would have thought I was trying to take it parasailing. I think I actually heard it laughing at me as I attempted to brake at a stop sign. Two minutes down the road I realize that I've left my purse at home, so I pull into the nearest parking lot to turn around. Like an idiot I assume it will turn when I ask it to turn, but it decides to go straight ahead into the nearest curb instead. Mind you, I am traveling the speed of a constipated turtle.

What really gets me is the "traction control" alert goes off. Which means it annoyingly beeps at me while I'm sliding into the curb. Can someone explain (really don't) to me the point of "traction control?" I thought it was intended to help and by help I mean not beeping at me to tell me what I already know...that I have lost control of my traction. Thank you for that information Scion. Here is a thought, how about you help me have some some actual traction?

Now, I know there are some out there who are already judging my driving skills (and lets be honest, my gender) for this unfortunate accident. I would like to invite you to drive my Scion...after signing a legal waiver and a preemptive apology of course.

The Return of The Voice

2010-02-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

"Good parents don't get annoyed with their children," so says the voice in my head. This voice also points out my growing gut and how ugly my feet are.

Well, you know what voice...maybe those parents don't have a pink monster currently climbing on her, yelling for her attention and a boy who repeats the same questions every 5 minutes. I haven't been ignoring them aside from a shower and now this current blog attempt.

My only solution is a car ride. Ahh, the joy of strapping them in.

And then there were Three

2010-02-02T07:50:00.003-05:00

Trust me, I do think it is odd that I have mentioned the flu in most of my recent blogs. I know I should feel shame that out of all the things to fear in life I keep landing on the stomach flu...but seriously, that stuff is scary. It is getting closer. Dan woke up with it this morning. Poor guy. I immediately pulled out my rubber gloves and heavy duty cleanser/sanitizer. Jaden woke up early because of all the noise. I explained to him what was going on, but I may have been a bit on the dramatic side because he now refuses to come upstairs. Nothing like passing along your fears to the next generation.

Speaking of the next generation, I noticed something the other day. It was a small gesture, but it struck me. Parker hung her small Hello Kitty purse on the back of the chair on top of my purse. In fact, she has been repeatedly hanging her purse there for days. Granted, she may think that is the only place purses go because that is where mine always finds a home, but knowing Parker and her distaste of putting things away properly, I doubt it. She is mimicking me. The reality of children mimicking their parents has been obvious to me since Jaden was little...but there was something about seeing the tiny little purse hanging on top of mine that stirred something in me. I have a tiny woman in my home. We live in a world that is out to destroy women and their worth. I can only hope that as she grows and continues to mimick what she sees...that she sees a women who trusts God with her identity. Therein lies her only hope.

The Ever Terrifying Mind

2010-01-28T13:49:00.002-05:00

I now know two more close friends that got the stomach bug. And I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps. Today I have an upset stomach and an even more upset mind. Why? because I really don't think I have anything. My mind is telling me that I have the stomach flu. Its my fear making me think this is a reality. Who gave my mind this much power?

And most importantly, does this mean I'm starting to "loose it?" I have started shuffling around the house lately and I almost forgot how to properly button my sweater today...

On a different subject Jaden laid out his plans for adulthood today. He is going to own a pancake shop and take his kids with him to work so he can 1. feed them all the free pancakes they want and 2. not have to "waste money on babysitters." (disclaimer: i know you may not believe me but i don't think i've ever used that phrase. for all you babysitters and daycare providers out there, i do not think money is "wasted" on you. if you are offended by this please don't take it out on me...take it out on my 5 year old...actually on second thought don't do that either). I mentioned he may want to vary their diet a bit from daily pancakes, but he didn't seem to comprehend.

This may have something to do with the crepes I made him for breakfast. He is still a bit bummed that I don't run a crepe shop anymore. For some reason he has not fully grasped the in and outs of food management and the time suck that it is. he just thinks he would get to have free crepes all the time.

I guess he will find out when he opens his own pancake restaurant/daycare.

about face

2010-01-26T08:45:00.001-05:00

I told myself I wasn't going to blog unless I had something funny or interesting to say...and then I didn't blog for over a week. I am considering adjusting my standards.

So far...

2010-01-18T14:16:00.002-05:00

Despite the cold wet outside that seeps into your bones, today has been a lovely day.
I keep adding layers and drinking tea trying to trick myself that I'm warm. I suppose I could move my body and do something resembling exercise, or I could consider "the shivers" as my aerobic workout today.

No one has gotten sick yet, so that is good. I would like to think we earned a pass on this round of flu since we have already gotten everything else there is to get this season.

Today is the start of week two. I've had a thought today (I'm down to one a day) and this was it:

Choosing to quit my job and stay home was part sacrifice, part necessity, and part selfishness. You know what is weird? The more I enjoy being home, the more selfish I feel. It can't be a sacrifice if I'm having a great time right? Sacrifice is supposed to be painful and difficult.

Or is it? I could follow that thought, but that would make two thoughts for the day and my quota is already met.

is it just my head...or is it real?

2010-01-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

The flu is around. All you have to do is read your facebook updates to see all the families that have been ravaged by the stomach flu. I'm scared.

Jaden is eating funny today...he started picking at it, says it tastes funny and his eyes burn.

NOOOOO!!!

No church tomorrow for this mom and two kids.

My stomach feels funny too. I also ate three pieces of cold pizza...so that could be the issue. it usually is.

Day 5

2010-01-15T11:04:00.002-05:00

I do not think I will ever be one of those Stay at Home Moms that says, "I can't imagine working while my kids are growing up. I would never want to miss anything in their lives." I get why moms work. Some work because they need to help with the finances, some work because it is extremely rewarding and they like being a professional and a mom.

A few years ago my friend from Columbus and I were talking about wanting a second child. We were discussing our mutual friend who wasn't having children until they could afford for her to quit her job. She said, "Am I a bad person for wanting both? I love my job and I love having a family, why can't I do both?" And she had that second child, and she is doing both, quite well from what I can see.

There will probably be a time that comes when I find myself a tad embarrassed to tell someone that I don't have a profession outside of the home. But I hope that time doesn't come. There may also come a time where I find myself defensive and snippy about ...wait...child crying.

So, my thought flow just got interrupted by my daughter who stuck a piece of apple up her nose and from what I can tell, inhaled it. Her sneezes also covered me in a mix of snot and apple bits.

I have a choice right now to continue exploring my thoughts on my first week of staying home, or simply embrace the reality that at this very moment I am covered with my daughter's mucus and I need to shower. I choose reality...and for the record I absolutely love my reality.

Guess What I figured out to do...look out world I can upload videos

2010-01-13T21:45:00.002-05:00

this is the recording from earlier today. don't judge me...

it really is quite something

2010-01-13T18:20:00.003-05:00

my husband is the coolest. you know why? because after dinner he turned to me and said enthusiastically, "mmmm, great dinner babe." you know what we had? leftovers. a mixture of past dinners this week with some crackers and chips, a couple of waffles, and some reheated soup.

and he was sincere. how sweet is that? i love my husband.

i recorded my daughter throwing a fit today. it was probably a terrible thing to do, but it just struck me as funny. i got her up from her nap too early...and well, lets just say it gave me a glimpse of the 16 year old she will be someday. good times to come.

The Home Experiment- Day 2

2010-01-11T10:38:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was in la-la land, reveling in the wonders of all my freedom and flexibility with my children. I practically skipped from room to room, playing with my children and singing silly songs of joy and freedom. Think Snow White, take away the creepy high pitched voice, replace the tame woodland animals with my two wild animals, and there you have my yesterday.

Today I am pooped. I wasn't evil or witchy (keeping with the Snow White theme) to my children, I was just tired. And I keep thinking to myself, "This is day 2, how am I going to keep this up?"

I think the answer is occasional time away to rest and getting enough sleep (boring), but I have a feeling the reality will be multiple pots of coffee a day and candy.

the soul of a man

2010-01-10T16:26:00.002-05:00

Jaden had a fish, emphasis on "had." This morning Dan and I found the fish of 4 years unmoving in his fishbowl. Any of you who have been around here know that I don't have an attachment to this fish...at all, but the big green-eyed 5 year old who lives here does. I discovered this attachment when I tried to convince Jaden a year ago that the fish would be happier if we flushed it and allowed to be free and with his friends. Well, that conversation didn't go well, so we had to wait for nature to run its course.

It ran its course today.

I was tempted to flush it before Jaden woke up, but Dan and I decided against that. Jaden woke up shortly after Dan left for work.

He was his typical slow, sweet cuddly self so i scooped him up and told him what had happened. we walked over to the fish bowl together. Jaden looked at him for a minute or so and quietly began to cry. He walked away and sat down on the stair step. I followed and sat behind him and asked if he wanted to be alone. He shook his head no, so I sat there with him. I talked about how it was okay to be sad, and that he didn't need to be embarrassed to cry. He didn't respond, just sat and cried a bit more. I followed him downstairs to watch Sesame Street for a few minutes. He asked if I could get the fish bowl down for him, so we went back upstairs and I handed him the fishbowl with the dead fish still in it.

He walked it to the bathroom, I lifted the lids and Jaden freed the blue betta to his watery grave.

We then made cupcakes and icing to celebrate the fish's life (well, he was celebrating the life...I may have been celebrating something else).

I saw a glimpse today of the man he is going to be. I also found him studying the toilet bowl scared to sit on it to do his business ...so the 5 year old is still there too.

I'm glad we didn't flush the fish before he woke up, but it sure is tempting as a parent to want to protect them from that pain, to brush it aside like its not a big deal in hopes they don't hurt as badly. i don't think that works well for the long run.

thursday morning thoughts

2009-06-18T09:47:00.002-04:00

I just finished meeting with a client who just lost her husband to cancer 2 months ago. He died shortly after being diagnosed. she is understandably still reeling from the shock. i mentioned that my mother-in-law had lost her husband to cancer as well. she asked how long ago. my answer was 4 years.

4 years? is that really true?

she said she just wants to know that someday she will feel again. she wants to know that there will be a day that she can feel happy without it being followed by sadness. i remember having those same conversations with my mother-in-law.

it is surreal to me to think back on my memories during that time. i have distinct pictures of raw grief and devastation, and yet...here we are. changed for sure...but still going.

we are a strange people. i'm glad God has given us the ability to cope, adapt, heal. i'm glad that God has granted us hope in the midst of devastation. i'm glad that we can continue on even with painful loss.

but it is weird.

i googled myself

2009-05-14T14:59:00.002-04:00

i've never thought to google myself before. it was...interesting. this blog showed up, but the thing i found odd was that my Ooh la la (crepe shop i managed years ago) posts were what came up in the search.

so either "ooh la la" is a common phrase that people type (and by people i mean dirty people) or the crepe shop was more popular than i thought...so much so that it is still being googled years later.

unfortunately...i think my google identity is forever associated with the words "Ooh la la."

i think facebook has replaced my blog

2009-04-19T00:52:00.002-04:00

it is unfortunate. i keep writing facebook updates and then deleting them because they are either too long or too public. so really i'm updating neither.

i feel like the blog is a kinder, slower, more thoughtful place and facebook is life on uppers.

not that i know what uppers are like...i picture it like being on a lot of caffeine, but it is only an assumption.

i hate being on too much caffeine. it hurts my belly and makes me jittery.

good grief

2009-03-14T16:46:00.002-04:00

grief is a little jerk. it sneaks up on you and demands to be heard. if i ignore it, it continues to remain under the surface sucking the life out of me until it has been acknowledged.

i miss susan. recently it has been hurting...not debilitating, just a little painful. thats how it goes with grieving-and it is running its wonderful cycle on me.

i'm not a big advocate for hiding from the inevitable, but i want to. i know it is going to sting to allow myself to miss her, to face once again that she is not here.

so there it is. i thought writing about this would make me feel better.

so grief, i will allow you to get out and exercise your sassy self soon enough. just be patient. i have wait until the kids take their nap, the laundry is done, the house is clean, and every magazine and every book in the house is read.

day off

2009-02-25T11:02:00.002-05:00

lazy wednesday morning.

dan in his pj's drinking coffee and tooling around with a new song on the piano.

parker toddling around in her pink footed jammies, picking up toys, putting them down, wandering over to dan to help on the piano.

jaden running around finding dirty dishes to put in the sink so he can earn some quarters.

me, drinking coffee and taking it all in.

who knew such simplicity could be so full?

Parker

2008-11-06T17:03:00.003-05:00

i haven't written much about parker on this here blog of mine. i don't mean to ignore her, jaden just happens to talk so he is easier to quote.

in case you were wondering, i like her. alot. we all do. she crawls, she pulls herself up, she is into putting everything hazardous into her mouth.

she also smiles so big you think her face is going to split.

the entire parker package has captivated us all.

its a strange/beautiful thing when you feel your heart growing to fit in another love.

lucy? why lucy?!

2008-10-29T17:03:00.004-04:00

i hope i'm not offending anyone with this post or opinion...but i have never been a fan of the show, 7th heaven.

well, my son is now a convert to this show. it was a channel surfing error, which i regret, but now he is hooked. i guess the safe dialouge and trite interactions are pretty good for a 4 year old, and i have to say...aside from the occational "shut-up" and sassy attitude, i don't have to explain to jaden that "even though they talk like this on TV, it is not okay for us."

that brings me to yesterday. i was folding laundry and watching the show with jaden and i was paying particular attention to lucy. this daughter/sister character has always annoyed the stink out of me. and yesterday was no exception. i was watching her wail about something ridiculous and i had a couple of thoughts.

1. i can't believe they have her grow up to marry a hot guy, have a baby and become a pastor.
2. i can't believe and am slightly embarrased that i know that.

then the worst happened. lucy showed up in my dream last night. it wasn't a big deal-she was just talking to her dad about how much she loved the Bible and studying it, and i was just passivly watching the coversation.

the point is, i dreamt about her.

and now i'm questioning why i told all of you.

i don't even know who i am anymore.

i had to record this before i forget

2008-10-07T10:36:00.002-04:00

tihs morning jaden was interacting with parker.

he was babytalking to her but during the interaction a "stinky face" slipped out. he immediately looked up at me sheepishly and said, "sorry mom. i guess its so early i didn't have the Bible in my head yet to stop me."

how great. i wonder if that excuse would work for me first thing in the morning.

he picked me

2008-08-11T06:50:00.002-04:00

Jaden: hey mom. do you want to hear about a dream i had?

Me: Sure

Jaden:i was in a room full of moms and kids and all the kids were picking out their moms. you were there too.

Me: so...did any kids pick me?

Jaden: i picked you mom. i didn't want any other mom. there weren't any dads in the room so i didn't get to pick one of those.

Me: maybe that will be in another dream

email from my mom

2008-08-11T06:49:00.000-04:00

Hi Suz, I did not mention to you a highlight of my time with Jaden. I hope I can write it so you can receive the same thrill I did.

At bedtime the first night he wanted a book read, so I picked the first one I saw which was Max Lucado’s YOU ARE SPECIAL. It is the story of the Wemmicks, wooden people who have all been carved by the woodcarver, Eli. They are all different-short, tall, fat, skinny, big noses, etc. They give each other stars if the other person is someone who they think deserves a star. They give grey dots if the person does not meet their qualifications. Punchinello was a wooden person who always received dots even though he tried very hard to please everyone. He just could not measure up to everyone else’s expectations. One day he met a wooden girl who had no stars or dots. He wanted to be just like her. People tried to give her stars but they just fell off, they tried to put dots on her but they fell off also. She told Punchinello that those things did not matter to her. She went everyday and spent time with Eli, and encourages Punchinello to do the same thing. He goes to see Eli and Eli tells him that he is special and that he cares about him because he made him. Stars and dots only stick when one cares what others think. The important things is what Eli thinks and Eli loves him and knows he is special. When Punchinello leaves he says, “I think he means it ‘ and a dot falls off. This is where the story ends. I did not explain to Jaden what the story meant. He wanted the book read again, so I read it Thursday night. I still did not explain, but hesitated to read it thinking he would not get the meaning. When I finished the book, Jaden looked up at me, hugged himself, and with his impish grin said, “God really loves me doesn’t He.’ He got it. Without any explanation, he got it J. Have a great day. Hugs, Mom

so it begins

2008-06-22T18:12:00.002-04:00

jaden just informed me that i don't know what cool is (i was commenting that i thought the worn tattoos on his arm were gross).

i may not know what cool is...but i know what uncool is.

and being called out by your 4 year old falls in the "uncool" category.

why i love bedtime

2008-06-06T07:35:00.002-04:00

last night jaden prayed:

"dear God thank you for susan and thank you that she is in heaven and thank you that Jesus is now taking care of her."

i second that.

coping

2008-05-29T16:09:00.002-04:00

there isn't enough food in the world to eat away sadness.

but that doesn't stop me from trying.

thanks for your prayers. its been a good day.

it is sunny today..not sure of tomorrow's forcast

2008-05-28T16:01:00.003-04:00

i've had a huge backlog of laundry over the past week. i've been dumping the clean clothes into a big pile on our living room floor. today, with the help of my husband, i've pretty much gotten caught up.

that has been the accomplished goal for today.

susan's memorial service is tomorrow morning. tomorrow's goal is to face up the fact that she is really gone.

these past two days i've been functioning...i've been smiling...i've had fun. i know it is okay to still enjoy life, but it isn't good to hide.

i didn't think i was hiding until the thought passed through my mind that it would feel so good to not go the the service tomorrow. and then i thought how i would be okay to go on like this...and do i really need to go tomorrow and relive those horrible realities?

when i think about tomorrow, i get a pit in my stomach. i start getting nervous. i'm not really comfortable being emotional in public.

but that really isn't point, is it? it isn't about my loss and my sadness. the point is that God knows what he is doing. and even if it sucks and it hurts, we have a responsibility to trust God in the midst of it.

so tomorrow i'm going to praise God. i'm going to cry. i'm going to hurt for myself. i'm going to hurt for her friends. i'm going to hurt for her family.

and while i'm hurting and crying, i'm going to trust.

day 2

2008-05-25T11:15:00.002-04:00

she is still all over my house.

i see her in the kitchen-in the pop can she left on my counter

i see her in my closet-in the clothes she gave me

i see her in my son's toy box-in the gifts that she gave jaden

why did she have to be such a generous person? why are the reminders of her everywhere i look?

so this is what it is like to grieve a friend's death...

i don't know

2008-05-24T12:22:00.002-04:00

my friend died this morning. i'm lost. i've never lost a friend before. it was fast and we were all unprepared.

i started functioning a little bit about an hour ago, and i took the trash out. i thought maybe i would sit down and reflect a little bit about this on my blog, but when i went to sign in, it was under her name. she was babysitting for us thursday night and must have hopped on the computer to post some pictures of her son.

i'm not functioning anymore.

please pray for her husband and son and family. if you think about it you can pray for her friends too.

a message from my mug

2008-05-11T21:41:00.002-04:00

the mug i'm currently drinking out of reads, "best mom on earth."

i brought it for my mom when i was a little girl.

then one day a couple of years ago when we were visiting them in Indiana, i filled up that mug with coffee and took it with me on an errand in my car. the mug never made it back into my parents home and made its way into my house in Michigan.

so i technically stole the mug from my mom.

i feel a little guilty because even though i'm a mom, i'm definatly not, "best mom on earth."

that title, along with the mug, still belongs in Indiana.

outdoors and a bath

2008-04-26T15:54:00.000-04:00

Brother and Sister love

2008-04-26T15:52:00.000-04:00

confessions of a tired momma

2008-04-26T11:48:00.002-04:00

Saturday morning conversation:

jaden: mom, can i go outside and play?

me: um...don't you think you want to watch some more tv?

jaden: i don't think so

me: but did you see what is on? its 321 penguins. you love that show!

jaden: well, okay. i guess i'll go watch tv. do you think i can go play outside later?

me: we'll see.

i'm preparing my speech right now for mom of the year.

mom update

2008-04-25T06:44:00.002-04:00

i talked with mom yesterday. she had a follow-up MRI and everything looked great...so she and dad are planning on leaving Florida to head home today! She will be in pain for quite some time, but the doctor just said it will need time to heal on its own.

thanks so much for your prayers!

i figured out how to upload pics...its Embarrassingly easy

2008-04-20T16:33:00.001-04:00

a couple more

2008-04-20T16:27:00.001-04:00

random pics

2008-04-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

by the way

2008-04-18T14:40:00.002-04:00

parker had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

she is 9 lbs and 9 oz. 21 inches long.

she is in the 25% of height and 50% of weight.

you can draw your own conclusions. :)

i have heard your cries for pictures and video. i am not ignoring, i just need to take the time to do it.

reality check

2008-04-18T13:29:00.003-04:00

i got a call from my mom yesterday. we chit chatted for awhile until i realized that yesterday was the day they were supposed to be leaving to go back home to indiana (they are snow birds). she was calling me from florida, so i knew something was up.

mom was in a biking accident and fractured her pelvis in 2 areas. yeah...not good. she sounded good on the phone, but she also mentioned that she was hopped up on pain meds. ultimately, she is not allowed to put weight on her pelvis for 4 weeks.

you want some entertainment? try at this very moment to not put weight on your pelvis.

little bit tricky, isn't it?

now granted, this is the same woman who went through labor and delivery (with me) with two leg casts (one up to her thigh, the other her knee). she was a lot younger then too. it kind of freaked me out and brought me back to reality. my parents are human and fragile and will not be here forever.

while i was talking to mom, i found myself having two simultaneous and opposite reactions to her injury:

first one: i immediately wondered if this was going to screw up our plans with her this summer.

second one: i wanted to jump on a plane with parker and go take care of her.

so i was selfish and unselfish at the same time. weird. i'm not going to overanalyze this since i don't think its healthy to spend too much time in my head (that place is scary).

anyways, if you think about it, pray for my mom and dad. dad is doing a good job of taking care of her, but it is a bit of a role reversal for him.

its a little weird, but nice

2008-04-03T22:12:00.003-04:00

so my post baby body is squishy and mishapen. i knew it would be that way, but i'm still frustrated by it.

sunday i was getting dressed for church and jaden walked in. he looked up at me and said "mom, you look so beautiful." and then he paused and said "when we get home from church i think i will marry you."

i'm not gonna lie...it helped. :)

My S*** Shooter

2008-03-29T11:57:00.002-04:00

i love my baby...but she has a defect. i don't want to trade her in for a different model, i just want to send her back to the store and have them fix her and send her back to me.

does that sound harsh to you?

well let me ask you...have you been projectile pooped on 3 times?!

i'm not talking about a little runny poop that accidentally gets on her onesie...i am talking ready, aim, fire. in case you still don't get the whole idea, picture a water soaker.

do you think i'm exaggerating? then explain to me why last night (technically 3 am) after the horror was over, i had poo on:

-my jammy pants
-my shirt
-my robe
-the rug
-the floor
-my hand
-my arm
-the 3 clean diapers i had sitting out (catch that? she destroyed 3 clean diapers with one shot)
-the wet wipe container
-the changing pad

i love her any everything...but this is really gross. i hope she grows out of it someday, she may have trouble finding a husband who would be okay with this.

unforturnate goldfish

2008-03-21T05:46:00.002-04:00

parker is mad again. she is unable to be consoled. she gets like this at least once a day. we have been putting her in her swing during these times. her swing has a plastic goldfish that hangs over her, and right now she is beating the crap out of it. she has a pretty strong left hook...and the goldfish is the brunt of her fury right now.

ah newborns...so precious, so snuggly, so innocent

...so loud

her own rhythm

2008-03-12T17:39:00.002-04:00

we had it made in our home. our schedule was beautiful, and we had it down. we worked, we had meetings, we played on our days off, we had a great bedtime for jaden and ourselves....

and it is over.

completely over.

she cries alot. at night mostly.

she eats constantly.

i don't know what day it is...i don't know what i should be doing each day...

i'm completely lost.

and i couldn't be happier. she has shaken my life.

got it out of it's rut.

she has imposed her schedule on our lives and she dominates (for now).

i should resent her. who is this woman entering my home and life, capturing my husband's heart, stealing my child's attention, taking up all my time?

her name is parker elizabeth price. she is 1 week and 2 days old.

she is little and squishy and looks a little bit like a spider monkey.

she is also the most beautiful creature i have ever seen.

the lion, the witch...and the michigan

2008-02-29T07:45:00.003-05:00

i feel like i live in pre-aslan narnia...always winter, but never christmas. the main differences being that michigan isn't enchanted...and lansing isn't a woodland...and we are missing the cute animals and creatures that live in cozy nooks.

winter, i'm tired. i'm a worn out girl who would like to see the lines on the road again. i would like to drive faster than 30 mph on the highway, and i would like to be able to leave without starting my car 30 minutes prior.

anatomy 101

2008-02-27T21:57:00.002-05:00

dan calls me at work monday to relay a conversation he had with jaden.

Jaden: hey dad, i'm really excited

Dan: oh yeah buddy, why are you excited?

Jaden: I'm excited for the baby to come!

Dan: thats great. i'm really excited too.

Jaden: hey dad, where do you think the baby will come out? will it come out mom's mouth or her butt?

Dan: um...where do you think it will come out?

Jaden: well, her mouth is pretty small, and she poops out her butt...so maybe it will have to come out her belly.

Dan: well, maybe you should ask your mom when she gets home.

and yes...he did...and i tried to explain to the best of my abilities, but we may have to revisit this subject again a few years down the road.

my gourmet chef

2008-02-22T19:10:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a meeting during dinner time, so i slacked on the making food thing and quickly gave my husband a rundown of options and leftovers in the fridge as i ran out the door.

when i got home a couple of hours later, it was getting close to jaden's bedtime which meant i immediately was asked by him what he could have for nighttime snack (part of his routine). i asked dan what he had had for dinner so i could evaluate the level of "health" i would need to instill into nighttime snack. dan smiled and said, "well, he kind of had a mix of stuff."

this "mix" was made up of:
-a pancake with powdered sugar
-a plate of lime flavored tortilla chips
-a small bowl of peanut butter

needless to say, jaden prefers dan's cooking to mine.

if it smells like pee...

2008-02-15T07:48:00.002-05:00

dan and i had noticed about a week ago that there was a strong pee smell coming from Jaden's bedroom. i couldn't figure it out. there were no dirty clothes on the floor or stashed away. i stripped all his bedding and washed it, checked all his stuffed animals, and was getting nowhere.

that leads me to wednesday. i am in severe nesting mode right now. i'm like a machine that can't stop until the last underwear drawer has been organized. i say that because on wednesday i hit the floor running. i started picking up jaden's toys to get ready to clean the floors...and i noticed a puddle in the corner of his room.

yup, it was pee.

so i called jaden into the room.

me: hey buddy, i won't be mad at you, but i want you to be honest with me. did you pee on the floor?

jaden: not that i can remember.

i didn't want to make a huge deal of it, so i reminded him that it was only okay to pee in the toilet...and nowhere else.

he left and i started cleaning up. it had gotten on his rug so i took the rug downstairs to throw in the washer. i came back upstairs to his room....and lo and behold, there was another puddle on the floor.

now i'm confused.

but this time i looked closer and realized that the puddle was coming from the small trash can in his room.

and then i looked in the trash can.

i called jaden into the room again.

me: um...jaden, i have another question for you, and again...i just want you to be honest. you are not going to be in trouble. have you been peeing in the trash can?

jaden: yeah.

me: why?

jaden: i didn't know that i couldn't.

me: fair enough. well, just so you know...from here on out...where is the only place you are allowed to pee?

jaden: the toilet.

i'll spare you the details, but it seems that he had been peeing in the trash can for a few days. thankfully (i think) the trash can isn't sealed at the bottom, so once all the garbage was dully soaked, it began to leak through the bottom and hence...the puddles.

we have had no problems since then, but i did take the trash can out of his room, just in case.

and jaden...i apologize to you now in case you ever find these blog entries as a 15 year old.

reasons why michigan isn't so bad

2008-02-11T06:59:00.000-05:00

so the weather is bad today. 4 below with a windchill of 19 below. cold. i considered posting about how miserable it is here and how i can't believe that of all places to land, we landed here. cold makes me cranky.

but then i realized i'm being a jerk to MI. aside from the rotten weather, michigan has been amazing to me.

1. i have a great job. i love my boss and all my coworkers...especially Jan, who i job share with.

2. i love my church. seriously, i've never known a church like mine...not perfect, but i would never want to go to a perfect church. i wouldn't fit in.

3. The best one...i love my friends. my community is a dream. you know what they did for me on friday? they threw me a surprise baby shower. i don't feel worthy of my friendships at all. it makes me want to do more to show them how important they are to me. when i look back over the past few years here, i'm overwhelmed by all the things that have been given to us, all the ways that we have been served, all the support we have received. we don't deserve it, but we are grateful.

so in reality, michigan is pretty great. if we lived in the bahamas without everyone, it would be a rotten place to be. location is just location.

my birthday gift

2008-02-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

last night i was sitting at the table with jaden and i was explaining that tomorrow was my birthday. i then started teasing him a bit by asking what he got me for my birthday present(knowing full well this was the first time he had heard that today was my birthday).

he hesitated for a moment, and then looked me straight in the eyes and said, "mom, if i tell you...then you will know."

he has a point.

there are times when i can't believe i have a kid like him.

and even as i write this, i can hear him in his bed singing and talking to bear. he hasn't even tried to get up yet this morning even though i know he has been awake for almost an hour.

oops, it sounds like he and bear just got into a fight, i should probably intercede.

its already been a great birthday.

Oh what a night

2008-01-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

and unlike Billy Joel, mine had nothing to do with a rendezvous with an "experienced" women (although i hope that goes without saying).

melissa came over last night to keep me company and help out with jaden this morning. we had lots of fun...so that was the good part.

the not so fun part was coughing until 1:30 am (hard to sleep when you are coughing) and then waking up to jaden crying at 4:30 this morning. he had wet the bed, which hasn't happened in a long time.

the worst part about it was that bear got caught in the crossfire, so i had to break the news to jaden that he was going to have to sleep the remainder of the morning without bear. which meant i had a crying 3 year old on his floor bawling, "i can't sweep without bear! i won't sweep without bear!" it was pretty sad.

we figured out a compromise eventually...has anyone ever tried to negotiate with a 3 year old in the middle of the night on 3 hours of sleep? it took some finesse.

i decided by the time it was over that it wasn't worth it to go back to bed, so i got ready for work and got here by 6 am. i guess that is good.

i'm viewing all this not sleeping stuff as preparation for my newborn who should be coming in 8 weeks.

my gift to my husband

2008-01-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

remember how i was surprised by my hubby with a new refrigerator for christmas? well, i was finally able to return the favor.

i was able to buy my husband (drum roll please) ...

a plumber visit and a new sump pump! yeah!

and on top of that we got our kitchen sink snaked as well. apparently everything wants to go to crappola at once.

so it isn't a new tv or game console...but my gift definately improved our standard of living at home. since our current standard of living was staying up all night bailing water because it was raining in January, and we had over a foot of snow melt. we were also unable to use the kitchen sink because of the clot from hell.

but home is home again. we had good help and advice from our friends, and a seemingly competent plumber. we also have jobs with flexibility (my boss was sweet enough to offer to run out and buy us a backup sump pump at 7am in the morning), so it didn't turn out so bad.

did i mention that i grew up with an irrational fear of the sump pump? its a long story and potentially another blog post...but needless to say, the incident helped me face my demons.

good times were had by all.

pinkeye and a burned belly

2007-12-09T09:22:00.000-05:00

jaden has pinkeye. dan took him to urgent care yesterday to confirm our suspicion. i have to put drops in his eyes and he is on antibiotic. the cool thing is this is the first time since before he was 1 he has been on antibiotic. the uncool thing is that he has pinkeye. so we are shut in this weekend.

hence the flurry of blogposts (and by flurry, i mean 2).

and yes, last night i made tea and when i went to carry it downstairs i spilled it on me. which means i spilled it on my belly since it sticks out the farthest. and it was so hot it burned me through two layers of clothing. it was also so hot the little female that i'm carrying kicked me from the inside immediately right where it hit.

its a pretty bad burn. i put aloe plant on it immediately, but it still bubbled up and today it is forming a scab. so i have a quarter sized burn on my pregnant belly.

lovely.

no worries though, we are still in good spirits here at the price home.

bear butt

2007-12-08T13:06:00.000-05:00

i just looked over at my kitchen table and noticed that jaden's bear is mooning me. is that possible? he is technically naked...and therefore always in a state of "moon," but it is an extreme moon this time. he is folded in half on the table with his bear butt directed right at me. i'm trying not to take it personally.

so i've been humanizing my son's bear...what have you been doing with your time?

My husband

2007-11-20T15:54:00.000-05:00

Surprised me today with a new Refrigerator!

I'm so excited. Its so pretty and functional and the best thing is we can afford it.

YEAH!!

yes, i recognize that i am in a stage in life where refrigerators get me excited. but i don't even care...because i'm excited.

i can't wait to make meals barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen with my new refrigerator. :)

i almost got hit today

2007-11-19T06:52:00.000-05:00

i was driving to work...early...it was dark.

i was in the passing lane...passing.

a boy tried to come into my lane...and into my car.

a normal person would have honked their horn and gone on their way.

i'm not normal...

but no worries...i'm okay.

if only it wasn't make believe

2007-11-01T16:15:00.000-04:00

today jaden and i were watching a show that had a working wishing well. after it was over, jaden said, "do we have one of those? if we do, i'm going to flip a coin into it with my thumb and wish that mommy and daddy never have to leave to go to work."

that stung a little. i'm glad he likes having us around, but it still made me a little sad.

then we went downstairs and practiced flipping coins with our thumbs.

i also did explain that we do not have one of those wells.

too bad.

Tornado

2007-10-19T08:33:00.000-04:00

i thought i had it bad.

our family had to sleep in the basement because of all the tornadoes that came through last night. i accidentally slept in (45 min.), and had to pack my car(i'm going to OH straight from work)and had to stop and put air in a tire on my car (which meant withdrawing cash from ATM, getting change for cash, and driving to 2 gas stations because the first pump was out of order), which meant i was really late for work today.

i then got a call from my boss. his neighborhood got hit by one of the tornadoes. he and his family are okay, but their neighborhood is destroyed. their house is still standing, but it is badly damaged. some of his neighbors don't have homes.

i do not have it bad.

the only cat allowed in our house

2007-10-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

today jaden asked me if we could listen to cat stevens.

i am a proud momma.

my ear hurts

2007-10-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

why does my ear hurt? because the bathroom door at work slams shut so hard it sounds like a gunshot. i do not kid.

i went home last night with my ear ringing all because i'm a tubby prego girl that has to open the bathroom door every 15 minutes...and i forget each time that it is going to slam.

if i get hearing damage from the bathroom door, can i collect disability?

Classic Jaden

2007-10-10T13:53:00.000-04:00

Classic moment 1:
The other night i woke up to Jaden screaming and crying. i ran into his room and crawled up into his bed to see what was wrong. we had this conversation:
me: Jaden?? Are you awake? What is wrong?
Jaden: (tearfully) I don' t want to take baths anymore.
me: What?
Jaden: I don't want to take baths anymore. i only want to take showers.
me: um...okay. will you stop crying now and go back to sleep?
Jaden: (tearfully) yeah.

he rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Classic moment 2:
Jaden: Hey mom, when i look at you i see a bump on your belly and a bump on your butt.

i'm sad today...and mad at Kanye

2007-10-02T10:49:00.000-04:00

two unrelated issues

1. Saddness:

i'm guessing i'm sad because of hormones, but i really wanted to spend the day with my son today. he is generally good, but lately he has been amazing. when i kissed him goodbye today i walked away extremely sad. i do think its hormones because it is completely illogical. today is the only day i am away from him for 8 hours. the rest of the days i work around his sleep schedule so i only miss 4 hours at a time.

i guess its not bad to love your kid, but i wish i wasn't sad.

2. Anger:

Kanye West was on my radio today. i knew he was coming...they announced him. i was ready to turn the station, but then i had to merge...and that is when it happened.

he got me. i'm not supposed to like him. his music is cocky and self involved...and ridiculously good. curse you Kanye. curse your intelligent lyrics, your interesting compositions.

you win...this time.

I have a big mouth

2007-09-28T12:59:00.000-04:00

you may know this. i do.

i try very hard to keep it in check, but i've learned a hard lesson this week...the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

so no matter how hard i try to keep it clamped shut, if my heart is not right, things will start to spill out without me even being aware. i think one of the greatest effects from daily learning about God it that my spirit is more tender and sensitive. if i do say something cutting or insensitive, i will notice and immediately apologize.

but if my heart is calloused and i'm trying to go at it alone every day....ugliness results.

the cool thing is that God has yet to allow me to get away with it. its not fun...but it sure is worth it.

Eph. 4:29

2007-09-25T09:31:00.000-04:00

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

I married Dan for a number of reasons. one of them being that he was a strong man and not afraid to tell me the truth directly. I think that is the mark of a great Godly man.

Today I talked with another great Godly man...who pointed out my foolishness and showed me in a great loving way that i had been wrong. i am humbled, but so grateful.

I'm in Canada

2007-09-19T00:46:00.001-04:00

thats right, i'm in Vancouver, BC.

it is cool...really cool.

and you should be jealous.

goldfish are nice

2007-08-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

last night i was sleeping... and during my sleep i was visited by a kind goldfish. i apparently had replaced the current fish we have (blue beta fish) with this one in my dream world.

i remember talking to it through the glass bowl and i watched it smile at me, big teeth and all. my only thought was...what a nice fish to smile so big at me. i then leaned over the bowl and it proceeded to jump out of the bowl, onto my shoulder and nuzzle my neck with its fishy nose.

that fish is so much better than the one we own.

i think my nighttime brain is much more interesting than the one i use during the day.

my hands smell like stale bread

2007-07-20T11:14:00.000-04:00

...and every time i accidentally smell them i want to throw up.

i had a twix for lunch and all i can think about is how i want another one (or two if you count the cookies as individual candy bars).

smelly bread hands= bad
twix= good