coping

there isn't enough food in the world to eat away sadness.

but that doesn't stop me from trying.


thanks for your prayers. its been a good day.

it is sunny today..not sure of tomorrow's forcast

i've had a huge backlog of laundry over the past week. i've been dumping the clean clothes into a big pile on our living room floor. today, with the help of my husband, i've pretty much gotten caught up.

that has been the accomplished goal for today.

susan's memorial service is tomorrow morning. tomorrow's goal is to face up the fact that she is really gone.

these past two days i've been functioning...i've been smiling...i've had fun. i know it is okay to still enjoy life, but it isn't good to hide.

i didn't think i was hiding until the thought passed through my mind that it would feel so good to not go the the service tomorrow. and then i thought how i would be okay to go on like this...and do i really need to go tomorrow and relive those horrible realities?

when i think about tomorrow, i get a pit in my stomach. i start getting nervous. i'm not really comfortable being emotional in public.

but that really isn't point, is it? it isn't about my loss and my sadness. the point is that God knows what he is doing. and even if it sucks and it hurts, we have a responsibility to trust God in the midst of it.

so tomorrow i'm going to praise God. i'm going to cry. i'm going to hurt for myself. i'm going to hurt for her friends. i'm going to hurt for her family.

and while i'm hurting and crying, i'm going to trust.

day 2

she is still all over my house.

i see her in the kitchen-in the pop can she left on my counter

i see her in my closet-in the clothes she gave me

i see her in my son's toy box-in the gifts that she gave jaden

why did she have to be such a generous person? why are the reminders of her everywhere i look?

so this is what it is like to grieve a friend's death...

i don't know

my friend died this morning. i'm lost. i've never lost a friend before. it was fast and we were all unprepared.

i started functioning a little bit about an hour ago, and i took the trash out. i thought maybe i would sit down and reflect a little bit about this on my blog, but when i went to sign in, it was under her name. she was babysitting for us thursday night and must have hopped on the computer to post some pictures of her son.

i'm not functioning anymore.

please pray for her husband and son and family. if you think about it you can pray for her friends too.

a message from my mug

the mug i'm currently drinking out of reads, "best mom on earth."

i brought it for my mom when i was a little girl.

then one day a couple of years ago when we were visiting them in Indiana, i filled up that mug with coffee and took it with me on an errand in my car. the mug never made it back into my parents home and made its way into my house in Michigan.

so i technically stole the mug from my mom.

i feel a little guilty because even though i'm a mom, i'm definatly not, "best mom on earth."

that title, along with the mug, still belongs in Indiana.