freaking unbelievable

This is my Post from July, 3 2006
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last night was rough. i beat up an obese woman in my dream.

allow me to explain.

i was in a car on a road trip to St. Louis (where the White House now is...according to my nightime brain). i was with 2 other girls. they stopped off to run some errands, and i decided to stay in the car. good thing too...

a large woman lets herself in the car and starts taking our stuff. she informs me that she will be taking all of it and i couldn't do anything about it. thats what she thinks. i begin to rail on her. the frustrating part is that i'm beating her will all my might and she doesn't even flinch. its comparable to Jaden trying to beat me up.

now...i've never tried to beat an obese woman in reality, but i'm guessing my blows would at least inflict some irritation.

i kept thinking...why can't i hit her harder? she is going to take all our stuff...and i can't stop her. she just sat there gathering up our things while i rained vengence down on her. she tried having a conversation with me as well. she never even said "ow."

good news. i eventually won. i pushed her out and locked the door behind her. she did manage to convince me to give her 1 sneaker, but i soaked it in water before i handed it off. i guess i showed her.

i could go on, but i'm embarassed that i've even told this much of my dream.

i woke up exhausted. my muscles were tired and my arms hurt. i hope dan is okay
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AND This is my dream from last night, June 28th, 2007

Last night an obese man kept showing up everywhere I was. He was mean and dangerous, and he kept trying to steal from me, and hurt the people i was with. i decided to fight back...and you guessed it, i did no damage to him. i railed, i flailed, i punched, i kicked, i used blunt objects...and nothing. he didn't mind one bit.

i again woke up feeling exhausted.

dear Lord what is wrong with my head...and why is my subconscience so scared of obese people?

and why was it a woman and a man? are they married?

yikes. i hope their kids don't come after me next year.

reprieve??

more bad news today.

for different friends.

what a month.

life in an email inbox

our friends lost their baby last week. she was 7 months along and they lost their beautiful baby girl, Jorai.

i've been coordinating meals through email just to help out and to give people a way to show love to our friends. the love is good, the loss of Jorai...horrible.

she has also been emailing and blogging about her and her husband's grieving process. it is so hearbreakingly raw.

and then i get an email from my cousin who is 34 weeks along in her pregnancy. she attached pictures....and she is beautiful, absolutely glowing.

two emails in my inbox...side by side...the complete opposite ends of life.

sometimes it seems to much to bare. we do bare because God tells us we can and He carries us through it...but not because we choose to.

how can the same life be filled with so much joy and hope and yet so much despair?

this is life. this is life with God.