i want to be an astronaut

things i like: books, my baby (not to be confused with babies in general), my husband, helping take work and pressure off people, sunrises, a perfect cup of coffee in the morning, colors, dogs that don't jump or pee on me, the perfect back massage.

things i don't like: florescent lights, my feet, when my hair is too long,itchy eyes, the smell of gasoline, pointless busywork, no place to walk on the road.

cute kid

i'm watching jaden play right now. its so funny how he only needs his hands to keep him company. he is fascinated with them. the poor kid. we have been putting him through a lot the past couple of months with all the traveling and company we've had. i think its time for a break for a while. he's talking right now, but i don't know who he is talking to. i wonder if whoever he is talking to understands what he is saying. he's so cool.

i really enjoyed the car ride back with dan from his parents this weekend. we've always had good talks during car rides, but this one was special. i'm not sure why it was special...maybe i needed it more than usual.

man, i need coffee. my brain is working at slug speed. i won't even tell you how long its taken me to type this entry, because i don't want the world to know how dumb i really am.

i'm sad...again

well, today tami and scott left. they have been here since saturday...and i wish they could stay in our basement forever. i know its not a nice basement, but we would feed them and let them play with jaden whenever they wanted... not too bad of a deal. i really am hating the idea of them being in vancouver for so many years. my house feels really empty right now. at least i was prepared this time, it seems like we are always saying goodbye to them. yuck, yuck, yuck. i guess its good to love them this much, but it sure stinks right now.

Irritated

i'm frustrated at the moment. i don't want to get on a soap box, because soap boxes give the impression that i think i have it all together and everyone else is wrong. i don't think that...i think the opposite, and thats why it makes me sick. but here is my beef.

lately i've been hearing of people being discontent in the church, which doesn't have to be bad if they take that discontentment and do something productive and beneficial to the church. but instead they sit on their ever increasing bottoms and expect "the church" to fix it. i'm sorry, but last time i looked we had 1500 people at our church. what would this church look like if the leaders catered to every whim of those 1500 people. it would be a mess, and our leaders would be a mess. but i guess the part that bothers me is that the pastors are very clear on the vision and purpose of this church, and if you stay here this is what you are going to get. so knowing this, why would they stay and continue to complain about the church? its wrong, and it makes me sick.

i've tried to think why i'm so defensive of this church. i think its because even though i'm only 25 i've been in many churches, voluntereed in 2 and been on staff in 3. i've seen a lot of churches, and i've never seen a church like this before. its not perfect, but the men leading have unity, strength, shared purpose and vision. they support and keep each other accountable.

i think its easy to look in the Bible at the account of Isrealites and think, "what idiots, how could they sin after all God had done for them?" thank God we aren't keeping an account of the American Church today. We make the Israelites look good. bottom line...i know this will never change. we are all fallen creatures and that isn't going change. Sin is always going to be a part of this world, so all we can do is make the best of it while we are here.

at the beginning of this rant i mentioned that mostly why i'm sickened is because i see this all in myself. I may not complain about this church, but do i complain about people? do i complain about my boss at my other job? do i find something to complain about even when things are going great? so please don't think i think i'm better than everyone else. i'm becoming very aware of my own ickyness.

okay. i'm done with my catharsis.

work, work, work

today was my first day back at vanjava. it turned out to be alot of fun...but it completely wore me out. i went to work at the church straight from the coffee shop, but i could only put in three hours before i completely shut down. i went home to take a nap, but i was expecting some calls, so i took the phone to bed with me. i woke up the first few times the phone rang...but before i knew it, i woke up and it was 3 hours later. i looked at the called id and saw that the phone had rang (directly by my ear) 3 times and i had no clue. i don't remember when i've ever slept like that before.

i went to cladaughs irish pub with kristen swanson tonight. its the first time just the two of us had hung out. i had such a great time with her...we definately have to get together more often. you know there are just some people you could sit down and talk with for hours, and she is definately one of those people. very cool girl.

it was hard for me to get to sleep last night without my boys, so i'm hoping tonight will be better. dan and jaden are leaving akron early tomorrow morning, so they should be back around noon. it will be so nice to have them back. i love them a lot.

Sad

I'm sad because dan and jaden just left. dan is going to visit his friend in akron (who is back from korea only for the week). he is staying with his family and he is probably leaving to come back tomorrow night...but he might not leave until thurs. morning. i'm pretty bummed out right now. i know i should be excited that i have some free time, and maybe i'll enjoy it later on...but right now i miss my boys. i'm turning into such a mom. all i kept thinking when they pulled out of the driveway was that the two most important people in my life were leaving in that car.

whoa...drama queen. maybe i should have waited a little while to blog. :)

but like any good parent, i'm going to bury myself in work so i don't have to think about it. i wonder, do people become workaholics because they like to make money, or because they want to avoid home?

but come tomorrow most of the drama will be over and i will have my boys back. speaking of drama...i was flipping through the tv today and i stopped to watch a couple of soaps. what is the deal with those shows? their influence is probably why i'm so emotional about my boys leaving. can't you just picture it...i'm standing on the front porch waving goodbye, and as the camera zooms in for my close up, a lone tear streams down my left cheek.

suzanne price-soap opera goddess.

i'm feeling better already.

i got a job

actually, i just restarted a job. i'm going back to VanJava once a week. its only for 6 hours every wednesday, but i'm really excited. i'm definately not doing it for the money...but i kept remembering why i started working there in the first place. i don't want to get stuck only working at a church. i enjoy working at a church, but its also a very comfortable place for me. i have got to have some outlet where i can meet people outside the church. i was hesitant to commit at first, but dan and i went to visit there last week, and i saw that they could use a little help...and i start this week.

i'm working more hours at the church too. its a good situation. i only work till noon, and i always give Jaden his early morning feeding and leave after that. so if jaden wakes up at 6, then i'm at work by 7. if he wakes up at 8, then i'm at work at 9. dan then watches him until i get home. its really good for me to get up and moving in the morning. otherwise, i would dink around or go back to sleep, and not get a good start on the day. i will confess that some mornings its pretty hard to leave Jaden. his cutest time is in the morning, and its difficult to leave that huge smile...but on the flip side, dan gets to enjoy him and thats good.

well...not an interesting post, but informative. for those of you who like purely entertaining posts, my apologies. i will try to do better in the future.

jaden talks to dogs

yesterday's blog was sure a bummer. sorry about that. as you could see, i wasn't feeling very well yesterday. much better now.

jaden has developed a new cry. its a high pitched squeal. i'm not a huge fan of this cry, as you could probably guess. the other day, jaden and i were up at 6am for his morning feeding. he always cries the hardest during this time because he usually hasn't eaten for 6 hours.
he was trying out his new cry this particular morning, and the living room windows were open. it wasn't long into his cry before i heard the neighborhood dogs start to bark. they continued to bark until jaden stopped. i guess i've given birth to a dog whistle.

i'm starting to gain weight. not good. it doesn't help that i keep grabbing the ice cream out of the freezer. i have to get back into working out. i miss melissa. she is my inspiring work out buddy. she has the discipline that i want. i know she didn't just wake up that way...she actually worked at it. i still think i can gain discipline by osmosis. it hasn't worked yet, but i'm sure i just have to give it more time.

my heartbeat...

is pounding in my head. i want my headache to go away so badly, but i think its pitched its tent for the day. i got caught feeling sorry for myself today. i thougght dan was going to be gone all day, so when i put jaden down for his nap, i sat around and allowed myself to slip into a pity party...not for any reason, i was just a litte down. i turned on the tv (mistake 1), and pulled out the ice cream (mistake 2). i figured i would have plenty of time ot pull myself out of it before dan got home. oops, he decided to come home for a few hours to see me, and he caught me red handed.

let me clarify something. i have no problem showing dan if i'm having a genuinely bad time...but there was no reason for it today, and i wanted to hide it because i was embarrassed. well...i'm better now, but i have to go. jaden is crying.